Fourteen

Yesterday Nghia and I attended yet another adoption meeting. This one was called Home Study 1 and in about a month we will attend Home Study 2. Yesterday's meeting was essentially about getting us ready for our home study, which is when a social worker comes to our house to make sure we have smoke detectors, fire extinguishers, an extra bedroom, etc. We were given a HUGE folder of paperwork that we have a month to complete. We will spend the next several weeks filling out all the forms, making copies of our birth certificates and marriage license, going to the local police department to get background checks, filing background checks in every state we have lived since age 18, obtaining our medical reports and pediatrician reports for Khai and Avi, getting fingerprinted, writing 10 page biographies, and about a million and one other things that require lots of running around to state offices. I know we will get it all done, but it certainly feels like a huge amount of work right now. The timing is good though, as my winter break begins today. My goal is to get everything completed by the time I have to go back to work on January 2nd.

Yesterday we also received a packet of paper that is referred to as the "Key." This is the part where we have to decide exactly what lifestyle choices, medical conditions, and life circumstances of the birth parents we are comfortable with. There are so many things we have to make decisions about. For example:
Birth mom smoked pot during pregnancy, birth mom drank alcohol during pregnancy, birth mom smoked crack during pregnancy (this goes on for every drug), birth mom has depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, etc, birth father has a mental illness, either birth parent is HIV positive or has Hepatitis, birth father is incarcerated for a non-violent crime, birth father is incarcerated for a violent crime, the baby was conceived through rape, etc. (They even distinguish between acquaintance rape and stranger rape.)

This is a very small sample of the kinds of things we will need to decide upon. The Key is almost 3 pages long and will probably require the most thought on our part. We will speak with at least 3 pediatricians to gather as much information as we can about the effects of different substances on the developing fetus. And we have to think about the long-term impact some of these circumstances could potentially have on our family because this will be an open adoption. We are going to have some level of contact with our child's birth family and we need to think about how all of these issues might later impact our child. For example, we might be comfortable with the birth mom smoking crack during pregnancy, but we wouldn't be comfortable with our child spending time with someone who is high on crack. (For the record, we are are not comfortable with exposure to crack in utero. I was just using this as an example to illustrate how we need to think about the short and long-term in order to make these decisions.)

We have been strongly advised to keep all of these decisions private. Ultimately, this will be our child's story to tell, not ours. It would not be fair to the child for others to know such personal information about their background. Also, we think about the fact that people have such stereotypes about adopted children and often hold such negative views about their futures. Let's say we decided we were comfortable with the birth mother smoking pot during pregnancy. Then 7 years later our child has some learning challenges. I would hate for people to think, "It's because the birth mom smoked pot." And people would think that.  I was recently talking with a friend, someone who is smart and educated, about a child we know who is facing some behavioral challenges. I mentioned that this child is adopted and my friend immediately said, "Oh, that explains it!" It's offensive and ignorant, and it's extremely common.

So as far as our Key is concerned, we will only say publicly that we want a healthy baby and we are doing ridiculous amounts of research before making any decisions. We want to be conservative, yet open minded.

So we continue to move forward. I wonder if this will be our last holiday season as a family of 4.

Thirteen

Today Nghia and I went to an all day adoption education course. We spent the day with 4 other couples learning all of the complicated ins and outs of the adoption process, myths surrounding adopted children and birth mothers, specific state laws we may have to contend with, and important things to keep in mind when adopting outside of one's race. It was an informative day and it feels so good to have it behind us. This is one more thing we can check off the list.  The next step is our homestudy meeting, which will be in about a month. We're slowly getting closer to our last step, which will take place in February. Then we will just be waiting for the phone to ring telling us we have been matched.

The other couples in the group were so nice and we all hit it off immediately. The social worker leading the meeting told us that these classes aren't usually so energetic and talkative. We all just really got along and had similar senses of humor, so we laughed a lot today. I am excited about this because we are going to go through the rest of this process with this group. We will go to all of the remaining meetings together and maybe we'll even keep in touch after our babies arrive.

From the beginning I was concerned about this meeting because I knew it would be the first time we'd meet the other adoptive families in our group, and I had a feeling that we'd be the only couple who hadn't struggled with infertility. I figured that Nghia and I could just be secretive about it in order to be sensitive and that would be the end of it. And that would have all been fine today had I not liked the others in the group so much.  Throughout the day there was a lot of talk about infertility, loss, and grief surrounding the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term. This talk was presented to the entire group and it made me feel like such an imposter, like we were being deceitful to these people that both of us liked so much. One couple talked very openly about how hard the road has been for them, how much they went through before they decided to pursue adoption. Everyone in the room nodded sympathetically and I just felt so conflicted.

Throughout the day I was so aware of how conscious I was of not talking about Khai and Avi. Over and over I felt myself starting to tell a story that involved them. One guy said that since he took the day off work he was able to sleep in a bit before the meeting. I was about to joke about how impossible it is to sleep in when you have young kids, but I caught myself. Another time a woman asked when our next meeting is and after I told her, I wanted to make a joke about how I had to schedule babysitters so far in advance, but I caught myself again. You don't realize how much you talk about your kids until you are actively trying not to.

When we took a break for lunch Nghia and I walked out to our car and suddenly felt self-conscious about the two carseats in the back. I joked that we should cover them with a blanket so our new best friends in the group wouldn't see. We talked at length about how bad we felt, like we were lying, and how it wouldn't matter at all if we were never going to see these people again, if we didn't actually want to keep in touch with them. But we do and I'm worried that once they find out we have kids and we didn't say it right away, they won't like us anymore. Maybe they'll feel like we lied. Nghia said we should talk to the social worker, Grace, about it and get her advice.

So when we adjourned for the day Nghia and I casually stuck around until everyone else had left. We told Grace the whole story and that we feel deceitful and secretive in a way we hadn't anticipated because we didn't know we'd like these people so much. Grace was so understanding and nice, and she also apologized for not phrasing her language more appropriately. (For example, instead of saying, "You all went through a lot of loss before coming here," she could have said, "Some of you may have experienced loss...") Grace said that at our next meeting we're going to delve more deeply into our personal lives and our reasons for adopting, so the cat will be out of the bag then. She told us not to worry, that it won't seem weird that we didn't mention it today and it might even be better to save it for the next meeting. I trust her and her judgment, so I'm no longer worried.

Mostly, I'm glad this meeting is done! There's still a lot more to do, but I really feel like we're getting there. I had moments today where I was somewhat astonished that we're actually doing this. After all these years of thinking about it and talking about it, I sometimes find it hard to believe that the time is really here.

Twelve

I've mentioned Khai's new best friend at school and I called him Alex, which is not actually his name. Now I want to change the name because Nghia's brother's name is Alex and I'm not sure why I chose it for the friend's alias, other than the fact that it's a name I really, really like. Anyway, now Khai's best friend is named Simon.

Khai and Simon have become quite close this year. They argue and fight, but they also have a blast and really like spending all their time together at school. The other day in the car I asked Khai if he knew that Simon is adopted. Khai said, "Yes, I knew that and I also know what a birthmom is." I was happy to hear this because it told me that Khai and Simon have obviously talked about Simon's being adopted. Khai has never heard the word birthmom from me.  I asked Khai to tell me what a birthmom is and it turned out he didn't actually know, but he knew the word because he heard Simon talking about it. I explained to Khai what a birthmom is and to give an example he's extremely familiar with I said, "Like your cousins. They didn't grow in Aunt Daph's belly so Aunt Daph isn't their birthmom." Khai was indignant, "But Aunt Daph is their mom!" And I said yes, Aunt Daph is certainly their mom. A birthmom is different from a mom. Khai sort of said it perfectly.

I then asked Khai if he thinks Simon and his mom look alike. (Simon is black and his mom is white.) I'm trying to find opportunities to talk about race and how our baby is going to be a different race from any of us, but I want these conversations to be somewhat organic and led by Khai. I can ask him probing questions and hope he'll go in the direction I'm hoping for so we can have a discussion about it, but if he doesn't then I can't micromanage the conversation. (Well, of course I could, but the content of the conversation would be far less meaningful to Khai. It's better to create circumstances in which he can draw his own conclusions.) In the teaching world we say that you can show a child where to look, but you shouldn't tell her what to see.

So anyway, I asked Khai if he thinks Simon and his mom look alike, hoping we could start a nice conversation about how sometimes children are a different race from their parents. Khai immediately said no, Simon and him mom definitely don't look alike. I got excited about the direction it seemed like the conversation was going to take, but I forced myself to remain casual as I asked him what's different.  Khai said, "Simon has short hair and his mom has long hair." I tried not to laugh as I agreed that yes, that certainly is a difference between them. I waited for a few minutes, in an attempt to give Khai space to extend his thinking, trying so hard not to lead him to the place where I wanted him to go. After a minute or so of silence I asked, " Are there any other differences between Simon and his mom." And Khai said, "Yes, today they were wearing different shirts."

The thing is, of course Khai sees that Simon and his mom are different races. Research about racial identity tells us that children become aware of racial differences shortly after they become aware of gender differences, which happens at a very young age, usually around 2.5 years.  So Khai knows that Simon has dark skin and his mom has light skin, but that's not the most salient difference between them, in Khai's mind. The fact that the length of their hair is different is far more interesting to talk about.

Let's Take a Break...

Last Sunday I took Avi to a birthday party. The party was located at this big indoor playspace, the kind that hosts birthday parties all day long, scheduled back to back. When Avi and I entered the massive, industrial looking building located off of a typical New Jersey highway, we were immediately herded into a small, crowded "party room" which was next to the main play space. We were instructed by one of the employees to remove our shoes, place the gift on a table, and go back out to the playspace. We dutifully did as we were told and once we entered the playspace we spent the next 45 minutes being assaulted both visually and aurally. Visually because of the bright fluorescent lights that eventually gave me a headache, and aurally because of the loud country music blaring from the loudspeakers, in addition to the shouted instructions from the workers, who likely were hourly-paid employees who host children's parties all day long. They impatiently encouraged the children to jump on the trampoline and dive into the foam pit. Avi raced around happily, completely unaware of the fact that he wasn't following the strict party instructions.

After 45 minutes of playing we were herded into the party room, which was basically a cinder block square (similar to a prison cell, I imagine) that was jam-packed with kids, adults, cheap pizza, and balloons. The children ate pizza, sang Happy Birthday, ate a piece of cake, and then the lights began flickering violently. This was our signal to get the hell out because the room was booked for another party in 5 minutes, giving the workers no time at all to clean up and remove all evidence of our party. We jammed our shoes on, ran out the door, jumped in the car, and headed back home down the scenic strip mall highway.

What ever happened to kids' parties that take place at someone's house, not some big, overcrowded indoor playspace? Parties where the parents can hang out and drink, and the kids can run around and play whatever they want? At Avi's last birthday party we invited a bunch of friends over. The adults ate snacks and drank wine while the kids ran from room to room, then outside, then back in. Everything felt easy and fun and relaxed. After a few hours most of our friends began to trickle out, the adults tipsy and cheerful, the children hyped up on cake. A few close friends remained. They helped us to pick up cups and then we sat around the dining room table, chatting and drinking more wine. Soon we ordered pizzas and the kids and adults sprawled around the living room, eating pizza off of paper plates. Eventually everyone left, except for Nato, who was in town from San Francisco and was going to sleepover, which made the event even more festive and special. The kids went to sleep and Nghia, Nato, and I stayed up late talking and finishing off the wine.

Now that's a kids' party!

If you are planning your child's next birthday party at an indoor playspace, and your child is friends with either of my children, please do not uninvite my child to the party just because of this post. It is not my children's fault that their mother is opinionated and judgmental. 

 

Eleven

I wrote the last post right after I had gotten home from the meeting with our social worker, when I was feeling particularly vulnerable and emotional. I think people who know me generally think of me as a private person. I dislike talking about myself beyond superficial information and there are many things about my life and my past that might be surprising to the majority of the new people who are in my life. So I have conflicting feelings about writing so publicly about my emotional state as we go through the adoption process. It is generally not comfortable for me to be so transparent.  On the one hand I feel self-conscious and my usual knee-jerk desire to keep everything inside, but on the other hand there's something really wonderful about having a place to put my thoughts and feelings. There's something freeing about getting everything out in the open, about sharing the personal details of all this.  The people who read my words have been so nice and supportive to me, and that's a really incredible thing. I have gotten emails from strangers, people who have also adopted who just wanted to say hi and that they are thinking of us. That's really beyond incredible. The other day Kit told me that people want to read about all of the behind the scenes information--the worry, anxiety, and fear that one might face when they are adopting a baby. She said that's the part that nobody talks about and everybody wonders about. I was going on and on with my insecure ramblings, my worry about saying too much or appearing too self-serving and egotistical.  Kit said I should keep writing, and since we have been the closest of friends for the past 31 years, I tend to trust her judgment and wisdom. Nobody knows me like she does.

And it's now been nearly a week since that meeting and as it generally happens, with time comes clarity. I'm still worried about all of the possible bumps we could face, but right now I'm also a bit more aware of the ultimate truth, which is that this WILL end with our baby in our home permanently. And when that happens I know that Nghia and I will look back on the journey and we will know without a doubt that it was worth it. We really may go through a bit of agony to get there, but how could it not be worth it in the end? I'd literally walk through fire for Khai and Avi, so it makes sense that I would do the same for the next little one. Hopefully we won't have to walk through any fires, but if we do we can handle it together. Sometimes it's just what you have to do. If there's one thing I want to instill in my children, it's that they are capable of getting through hard times. Life is not always easy. Sometimes it's horrifically difficult, in fact. But it is amazing what people can get through.

Our neighbors up the street have a child who was adopted. Their son is 10 now and a very sweet, smart kid. Recently I was talking with one of the dads about their adoption process and he shared with me that years back they lost custody of a child who had been in their home for 6 months. After six months, before the adoption was finalized, a relative appeared, fought for custody and won. (This was through the foster care system, which is very different than adopting through an agency, like we're doing. In other words, this couldn't happen to us.) Here I am, terrified of losing a baby after one month and they lost one after six months. It's unthinkable. I asked the dad what that was like and his response was really beautiful and inspiring. He told me that it was very sad, that he and his partner cried a lot as they said goodbye to a baby they had loved. He told me they cried for weeks after she was gone and the sadness lingered for a long time. And then he said, "But we knew that we had helped her. We gave her a home when she needed one."

So if the unthinkable happens to us, hopefully we will be able to find comfort in knowing that we helped.

Avi says, "Power to the People!"

Ten

This process is going to have a lot of emotional highs and lows, and tonight feels like a bit of a low.

We had a meeting with our social worker earlier this afternoon. Her name is Kate and she's a very kind, sweet woman, and Nghia and I are both looking forward to working with her. I feel like we are in good hands with her. The purpose of the meeting was for Kate to go through the rest of the adoption process in detail, to answer all of our questions, and to describe all of the possible paths we could go down before we get legal custody of our baby. I guess it's thinking about some of those paths that is making me feel so melancholy tonight.

I've said before that we could fall into the category of adoptive parents that are chosen, the baby is placed, both birth parents terminate their parental rights at the hospital, and we take the baby home. This is the scenario we are desperately hoping for. But there are other possibilities as well...

If the birthmother lives in Pennsylvania then we're going to have a rough road in front of us no matter what. In PA the birthmother cannot relinquish her parental rights for 30 days. (In NJ it's 72 hours.) This means that a baby could get taken from our home because for those 30 days the baby will live at our house. Kate told us that when you're in this situation you sort of have to tell yourself you're just babysitting for the next 30 days. It might be your baby, but it might not be. It might be your child's sibling, but it might not be.  And there's nothing we can do about this. We can't refuse to work with a birthmother from PA.We have to be willing to work with all of the states that our agency works with. At the end of the 30 days we will find out if the baby is ours or not. If it's not, if the birthmother decides she wants to parent after all, then we have to say goodbye. Someone will come to our house and drive away with that baby.  I know myself well enough to know that there's not a goddamn thing I can do to stop myself from loving that baby after taking care of him or her for a month. This possibility literally hurts to think about tonight. And it is a very real possibility.

When we got in the car after the meeting I could tell Nghia was feeling as overwhelmed as I was. He asked me what I thought and I said that I'm worried and scared. I'm worried about a baby being taken from our home, I'm worried I will get attached to the baby, I'm scared to lose a baby that I love.  I asked Nghia how he felt about the meeting and he said that it seems like we're choosing to go through an awful lot of hardship to get this baby. Why would we choose to do this? I can see why people who are desperate to become parents, people who don't have any other possibilities, would have no choice but to go down this scary road. But we do have a choice. We do not have to do this.

We were quiet for a long time, each of us lost in our own little worlds of fear and sadness. After a while I said, "I still want to do it."  And Nghia said, "So do I."

Nine

So many people have asked me what is going on with the adoption because they haven't seen a blog post in a while. And my first thought was, "Wow, I can't believe people are actually reading this thing." 

Right now there's not a whole lot to tell in terms of the adoption. So much of this process is just waiting. In two weeks we will have a meeting with the social worker that has been assigned to our case. We will drive down to the agency in Cherry Hill, NJ and I believe our meeting will just be about answering our questions and finding out what we're supposed to do next. Several people have told me that they've heard that adopting a baby is a very complicated process. And while I can't speak for international adoption or adopting through the foster care system, I can definitely say that adopting domestically through an agency actually isn't all that complicated. It's a lot of work, it takes a long time, and it's expensive, but it's not all that complicated. The agency we're working with is so great because they really guide you through every step. They tell you what to do, you do it, then you wait, then they tell you what to do next. So it's time consuming, but it's relatively straight forward.

Khai has a new friend at school who is adopted. We'll call him Alex, which is not his name.  This afternoon I was chatting with Alex's mom while the boys played. Early on in the conversation we figured out that we both lived in Austin years back. She told me that Alex was born in Austin. Alex heard this and turned to me and asked, "Where was Khai born?" I told him that Khai was born in the bedroom of our house in Maplewood. Alex then said, "But where did he come from?" I immediately knew what he was asking and I said, "He grew in my belly." Alex's mom jumped in and said, "Sam is Khai's birth mom." Alex said, "Oh," and went back to playing.

This exchange was really good for me to see. I liked having a 5-year old boy ask me where my son came from, as though that's a typical question to ask. I liked how clearly and easily his mom said that I am Khai's birth mom. And I loved seeing a young boy who knows he is adopted and feels comfortable talking about it so openly. Alex's parents have obviously done a lot to normalize his experience, and it shows. That's definitely how I want to do it.

I told Alex's mom that we are in the process of adopting a baby and she told me that there is a huge group of trans-racial adoptive families around here. She told me it's a wide community and she'd be happy to introduce me to people. I told her that right now I need to focus on actually getting the baby, but once he or she is here I can't wait to be a part of that group. I had no idea it was here.

So that's it for now. We're in one of the many waiting periods we will go through. I'm anxious to get going because I generally don't like waiting, but I need to find peace with it because until our baby arrives, we're going to be doing a lot of it.

Eight

When you're pregnant you are almost always thinking about how you're having a baby. Your new baby is constantly on your mind and numerous times each day you think about what life will be like when your new baby arrives. It makes sense that this would be true because when you're pregnant your baby is literally a part of your body. It moves and you are reminded that there is a life growing inside you, that your baby is on it's way to you.  Towards the end of the pregnancy you're mostly thinking about how uncomfortable you are and how ready you are to see your baby, but there continues to be a rush of excitement and anticipation every time you think about your baby's arrival.

Over the last several years when I thought about how one day Nghia and I would adopt a child, I never had any doubt that I would love that child with the same intensity that I feel towards Khai and Avi. I have never doubted that I will be as deeply connected to this baby as I am to them. I know with absolute certainty that parents love their adopted and biological children with the same magnitude and the same fierce dedication. This has always been clear to me and I can easily picture it for myself.  So when our baby is finally here and I am overwhelmed with emotion, I will not be surprised. There will be a million other surprises of course, but the profound level of love I will feel towards our baby is not going to surprise me. I am expecting to be hit with that wave of emotion and that primal instinct to nurture and protect.

What I was not expecting was for this period of time to feel so emotionally similar to a pregnancy. I didn't know that simply filling out paperwork, attending meetings and classes, and waiting for the phone to ring would bring up the same thoughts and feelings that one has when they are pregnant. The anticipation and excitement are the same. They are honestly exactly the same. Constantly thinking about the baby is the same. Imagining what life will be like once the baby is born is the same.

 All day long I think about our baby. When I get in bed every night with my book, I think about how one of these days there will be a tiny baby curled up in bed next to me. Some nights it almost feels like something is missing. In my classroom we have a poster board with family pictures hanging on one wall. The children in my class like to look at their families and their classmates' families throughout the day. My co-teacher and I put our family pictures on the poster board too. And every time I pass by it and glance at the sweet picture of me, Nghia, Khai, and Avi I think about how beautiful that picture is going to be next year. How much fuller it will be, how much more complete it will be. It's such an interesting feeling to know your family isn't complete yet, to know that someone is missing.

Because I have done both I feel that I can say with absolute certainty that, although the process is dramatically different, the feelings of excitement, anticipation, longing, and expectancy are exactly the same. Who knew?

Seven

In the car a few days ago Khai began asking new questions about the adoption. This is generally what happens when children are trying to understand a very complicated issue. If the adult presents the initial information in a clear, simple way with absolutely no judgment and without too much additional information, then the child can process it all at his or her own rate. When they are ready for more information, they will make that clear, usually by bringing the subject up. With Khai, these kinds of conversations often happen in the car. Something about that space makes him feel safe and relaxed enough to bring up things he's been thinking about.

So we were in the car and pretty much out of the blue Khai asked, "Why will our new baby grow in someone else's belly? Why won't it grow in your belly?" Now, other than knowing that babies grow in mommy's bellies, Khai knows nothing about the birds and the bees. It would be highly inappropriate and confusing for me to talk about unplanned pregnancies or that sometimes a mommy decides she doesn't have the resources to take care of her baby. I know these conversations will happen with Khai and Avi when they are older, but my challenge now is trying to put this very adult issue into age-appropriate, non-judgmental language.

Presenting information without judgment is extremely challenging. For example, I could have easily told Khai, "We are going to give a home and a family to a baby who might not otherwise have one and this is going to make our family so special and amazing." This is obviously how I feel, but it's really important that I give Khai the space to draw his own conclusions. I can't tell him it's special, I need for him to figure that out on his own. Then the feeling is his, not something he's repeating but might not actually feel. It is not my job to tell him how to feel, nor am I the arbiter of what's special.

I tried not to stumble too much with my words when I told Khai, "Well, Daddy and I really wanted to have two babies that would grow in my belly, so we had you and Avi. Then we decided that since we love you and Avi so much, we would like to have another baby, but this time we are choosing a baby that will grow in someone else's belly so that we can give a family to a baby that might not otherwise have one." Then I waited, worrying that I had said too much or not been clear enough.

Khai's response?

"We will be that baby's family."

Six

Although Nghia and I were in immediate agreement that we would like to adopt an African American baby, it is not a decision we have taken lightly.When I think about having a black child, I feel such a wide mix of emotions. As I have previously stated, it feels right. But it also feels scary and exciting and overwhelming.

Like just about every other mother on the planet, I want my children to be treated well. I am filled with fury when I think of the adults that teased Khai for wearing nail polish or the neighbor that once hurt Avi's feelings. I want to protect them from physical harm, and I want to protect them from any and all emotional hurts. I realize this is unrealistic and that part of cultivating confidence in children is teaching them how to mentally and emotionally respond to assholes. It's an important skill to learn.  But let's be honest, this is going to be a lot more challenging when the child I am trying to shield is going to have moments in his or her life where they are treated unfairly simply because of their race. This already pains me to think of, but I would be naive to think it's not going to happen. And like all issues surrounding race, privilege, and power I think it's important to talk about.

Recently the Oscar-winning actor, Forest Whitaker was accused of shoplifting at a market on the upper west side in Manhattan. This market is across the street from where I went to graduate school. It has delicious sandwiches and salads, and during the 3 years I was in school I probably ate there at least once a week. A couple of weeks ago Forest Whitaker stopped by the shop to buy a yogurt while he was in New York filming a movie. While he shopped, he was approached by a worker who accused him of shoplifting and then proceeded to frisk him, looking for the lifted item. Bystanders saw and began speaking up, defending Forest Whitaker and explaining to the worker who he is.  Long story short, the store manager apologized, the worker was fired, and Forest Whitaker was vindicated, as well as humiliated. When this story hit the press, many locals spoke up and said they often see black people being wrongly accused and frisked at this market. So while what happened to Forest Whitaker is appalling and inexcusable, it is far more devastating to think of all the other people this has happened to there. People who don't have the prestige of Forest Whitaker, who can't take their experience to the press and get wide support from the community. People who have no power when they are falsely accused and treated like a criminal.  Those individuals can only leave the store, mortified and filled with a rage I can't begin to fathom. (For the record, the shop is Milano Market on Broadway and 112th and I will never set foot inside their store again.)

Sometimes I think about a video I recently saw of LeVar Burton explaining how he taught his sons to respond if they ever get pulled over. He told his boys to immediately put their hands on the windowsill of the car, so the cop doesn't pull out his gun, thinking the kid is a threat.  This is a conversation that white people don't have to have with their children. We tell our kids to be polite to cops, not to keep their hands visible so they don't mistakenly get shot.

I think of  a close friend of mine who once told me that when she gets pulled over she tries to talk "extra white." She says that helps, unless the cop is black, and then it backfires. It's so much to think about, so much to keep track of, and none of it is fair or makes sense.

Knowing how difficult it can be to be a black person in our society, I wonder if I, as a white person, can adequately raise a child who will have such a different experience in the world. Not just will I do a good job, but can I prepare him or her well enough?

I wonder if it will help that we're already a mixed-race family. Nghia obviously doesn't know what it's like to be black, but he does know what it's like to be the only one. He knows what it feels like to be teased and bullied solely because he is of a different race. If, god forbid, our child ever experiences racism personally, Nghia will be able to identify. He will be able to recall what it felt like to be the only minority in a completely white neighborhood, and how alone and isolating that could sometimes be. And he will be able to tell our kid, in a way that I will not, that yes, it feels terrible, but it does not have to define you. We cannot let it define you.

I wonder if it will also help that we live in such a diverse area. Our neighborhood is not only racially and ethnically integrated, but we all go one step further and actually hang out with each other. We do more than simply live side-by-side. Our child will never be the only black kid in the class, on the street, in the neighborhood, at the birthday party.

Perhaps growing up in such a racially-mixed town, where there are so many different kinds of families, will give our child a foundation of self-worth and confidence that will be an asset when it comes time to handle the rest of the world.

We joined our neighbors and marched in solidarity.

Five

While I feel thrilled and overjoyed at the thought of expanding our family through adoption, I definitely understand how our decision might be met with confusion. I think it is somewhat unusual to make this decision when we could just get a baby the old-fashioned way.  The vast, vast majority of people we've told have responded with a level of support and happiness for us that has far exceeded my expectations. But, of course, there are also other reactions. Nobody has legitimately been negative, but people have asked me questions or made comments that I have to admit, make me feel a bit defensive. For example:

1. What if the baby you get is really messed up?
2. What if the baby doesn't have problems, but it turns out they were exposed to something in utero that gives them problems that manifest later?
3. What if you get a girl and someday she and one of your sons decide to have sex because they're not actually biologically related?
4. What if your baby has the obesity gene?

This is a small example of the questions I have gotten recently, and yes, those are all questions I have actually gotten.

Here is how I have tried to respond:

1. Adopted children are no more likely to have problems than children who are not adopted.
2. We will do our best to handle any challenges any of our children have.
3. This question actually made me go do a bit of research because it's incredibly disturbing and it got stuck in my mind. And as hard as I tried, I couldn't find any documented cases of adopted siblings having sexual relations. This definitely doesn't mean it hasn't happened, and I think pretty much anything we can think of has happened at some point over the history of time. And hell, look at what Woody Allen did. Crazy things do happen. But I believe that if two children grow up together and have the same parents, they are siblings and they view each other as siblings, whether they are biologically related or not. And in general, siblings are not attracted to each other. This is very low on my list of concerns. So low, in fact, that it's not even on the list.
4. This one is also low on the list of concerns. My response was simply that there are worse things and I want all of my children to be healthy and to feel confident.

So while at first I was sort of surprised to have people voice their negative stereotypes about adopted children in the form of questions, I also remembered the seemingly insensitive comments I got when I was pregnant. Comments such as:

1. Have you and Nghia decided what you would do if there's something wrong with the baby?
2. I knew someone who was sick for all 9 months. (I received this comment when I was in the midst of horrific morning sickness and the only thing that was keeping me sane was knowing it would end when I hit 12 weeks.)
3. Do you worry about having a miscarriage?
4. Wow, you're huge!!

So, I guess the take-away from all this is that people say insensitive, unthinking things all the time! And honestly, they usually mean well. I tend to believe that people are generally kind and when they ask questions or make comments that sound uninformed or insensitive, it's not because they're trying to be provocative or offensive. They're just trying to understand, especially in the case of adoption. And when it comes to adoption, there are so many stereotypes out there that are constantly being reinforced by pop-culture and the media. Especially the idea that children who are adopted come with a set of problems. This is absolutely untrue, according to all of the longitudinal studies that have been done.

Children who are adopted at birth, like our child will be, face the same challenges that any other child faces, adopted or not. Now, that's not to say that when they're teenagers they won't have issues with identity. They probably will, according to the research out there. And it makes sense that during that fragile developmental period, children who are adopted will think about where they come from in a way that non-adopted teens  won't. This is one of the reasons we are doing an open adoption, so our child will always be able to have his or her questions answered. I do expect this issue to come up and to be something Nghia and I will need to handle very thoughtfully and with a great deal of sensitivity. And that's okay. All of our children are going to face challenges and one of the most difficult and important parts of parenting is figuring out how to be there for your kid in the way that they need when they are going through a tough time. Growing up is hard for everyone. My teenage years certainly weren't without angst and drama. In fact, they mostly sucked.  So will our adopted child face challenges as he or she grows up? The answer, of course, is yes. And will Khai and Avi face challenges as they grow up? Of course they will. Because growing up is hard. For everyone.

Knowing they will face challenges doesn't stop people from having biological children. Why should it stop us from adopting? 

Nghia reading a book to my sister's kids. This is about a month before Khai was born.

Four

I announced that this blog exists yesterday and Nghia and I are truly blown away by the amazing, supportive responses we have gotten. It really speaks to the wonderful people in our lives. News such as this could just as easily be met with negativity, or at least apprehension and skepticism. But we have heard from people we haven't spoken to in years as well as people who are currently in our lives, and the level of excitement and kindness has truly been astounding. It means more to us that we can possibly say. We are thrilled to be raising all of our children surrounded by such amazing friends. This is literally what life is about, our deep connections to one another. I am beyond grateful.

I said in my first post that after February is when the real waiting will begin. We will have our final meeting that month and all of our paperwork will be in. Then we will turn our phones on and make sure that they are always close by, 24 hours a day. Anytime after February is when we will be chosen by a birthmother. We could be chosen in one month, we could be chosen in a year. There is just no way to predict, so it will be important for us to almost try to put it out of our minds, and not freak out every time the phone rings. As much as we can help it, anyway.

But when the phone does ring and our social worker tells us we have been chosen, any number of things could then happen:

1. We could be told that a birthmother has chosen us, she's currently in labor, and we need to come get our baby in 24 hours. This is unlikely, but absolutely possible.

2. We could be told that we have been chosen and the birthmother is due in 2 months. This is the most likely scenario. (Birthmothers cannot make a decision until they are at least 7 months pregnant, so 2 months is the longest period of time we would wait until the birth.) After we have been chosen we will have a meeting with the birthmother and our social worker. We will get to know one another and decide if we think we are a good fit since this will be an open adoption. (More on that later.) If all parties involved are in agreement, we stay in touch with the birthmother for the remainder of the pregnancy and we come to the hospital when she goes into labor. She is able to sign her parental rights away 72 hours after the birth, but not before. She signs the papers and we bring our baby home. However...
          2a. Within that 2 month period the birthmother could change her mind. Then we go back into the pool and continue waiting.
          2b. We could get through the remaining 2 months of her pregnancy, go to the hospital for the birth, and then the birthmother changes her mind at the very last minute. This would be devastating, but it sometimes happens.
          2c. This next one is the "god forbid" choice. The baby is born, the birthmother surrenders her parental rights, we take the baby home, and a month later the birthfather appears claiming custody. (He actually has up to 4 months after the birth to claim custody.)  This would be horrific and it is rare, but it also does happen. In the state of New Jersey the birthfather has the same parental rights as the birthmother, whether he has been in the picture or not. I assume this is a good thing, but holy shit, if a baby gets taken from our home I don't know how we would ever recover.

So for someone like me, someone who likes to know what will happen next and hates surprises, life after February is going to be challenging. Right now it's not challenging because we're still in complete control, filling out forms, writing essays, and attending meetings. But after February this will be out of our hands. We will wait to be chosen, we will wait to see if the birthmother changes her mind, we will wait to see if both birthparents will immediately relinquish their parental rights. So this process might be smooth and easy, or we may hit some bumps and disappointments.  The most important thing will be for us to remember that we will get our baby. If a birthmother changes her mind, it's because it wasn't our baby. The baby that is meant to be with our family will find his or her way here.

Photographic evidence of the cheesiest thing Nghia and I have ever done.

Three

People ask if we've talked to Khai and Avi about the adoption, and if so what we've told them. Lucky for us, Khai and Avi are familiar with adoption because my sister's children are adopted from Kazakhstan. Khai obviously understands a bit more than Avi, but they are both as familiar with the concept as they can be right now.

Cousins (Ainyr and baby Avi)

At the ages they are (almost 5 and almost 3) the most important thing we can do right now in terms of preparing them is continuing to make language around adoption familiar. If the words are understood, everything else will follow. So with that in mind, the answer is yes, we have talked to them and we will continue talking with them until our baby arrives. With children it is very important to keep things simple and not give too much information at one time when you are discussing complicated issues. You present the truth and then you wait for their response. If their response is a follow-up question, this means they are ready to hear more. If their response is about something completely unrelated, this means you have given them as much as they can process at this moment and it is time to drop the subject. Conversations like this need to be child-led, meaning the adult needs to pay very close attention to the child and give out only as much information as the child can take in. It can be tempting to say more, but it is extremely important that you not overload the child with too much information.

About a month ago I said to Khai, "You are going to have a new baby brother or sister. We are adopting the baby, which means he or she will grow in another woman's belly." Khai asked, "When will the baby be here," and I said that we don't know. Then he said, "I hope it's a brother and I hope it comes soon." Then he changed the subject. Done!

About a week or so later it was time for me and Nghia to attend our first adoption meeting. That afternoon I told both boys, "Daddy and I have to go to an adoption meeting tonight so we can learn more about getting your baby brother or sister." The boys were upset that we were going out, so they were more focused on that than anything else. But the next morning Avi asked, "Mommy, are you going to an adoption meeting today?" This means that Avi is beginning to absorb the language and the word adoption is now familiar enough to him that he can use it in context. This is an extremely important part of comprehension at this age, so I was happy Avi asked this question. In the last several days he has asked me numerous times if I am going to another adoption meeting. Really, he is making sure I am not going out, but the fact that he is using the word adoption is important. I always tell him no, I am staying home, because that is what he is saying he needs to hear.

But Avi, being the unusually articulate child that he is, has also said a lot more. In the car the other day Khai brought up the subject. We were having a light conversation about his new baby brother or sister when Avi chimed in and said, "I don't want another baby to come." I asked him why and he said, "Because I'm the baby." Sweet, articulate, oddly self-aware Avi! This kid always surprises us with the things he says!

Two

My incredibly sweet and wonderful sister-in-law (Nghia's sister) read my first post and told me that it was interesting to read about my long-held desire to adopt because it helped her to better understand why a couple who hadn't struggled with infertility would consider adoption.

At our first adoption meeting there were at least 8 other couples in the room, all of us in the early phase of this process. It soon became quite clear that Nghia and I were the only couple that were not there because of infertility. We were the only ones with biological children at home, and I couldn't help but feel that I was keeping a secret.  I was grateful that we didn't have to go around the room and introduce ourselves, but at later meetings we will have to do that and I am so conscious of wanting to be sensitive to everyone in the room. Nghia says that when it is our turn to talk in front of the group we will be honest but we won't dwell on it. We have had very close friends and family members struggle with infertility, so while we haven't gone through it personally, we know as well as we can that it is tremendously painful. We want to make clear that we are extremely grateful for our good luck and we don't for one second take it for granted.

Along with the initial application, Nghia and I also need to fill out a Questionnaire for Trans-Racial Adoptions. This is because we are choosing to adopt a baby that is a different race than either of us. This choice is another one of those things that, at the end of the day, just can't be put into words. It's a feeling. It feels right. It's how we both can picture our family. And it's in line with our social values to choose from the category that the agency says has an "urgent need" for adoptive parents. But that reason is secondary. The first and foremost reason we are choosing to adopt an African American baby is because of that unexplainable feeling that is telling us to adopt in the first place.

The decision to adopt and the decision to adopt an African-American baby are so tremendous and it's beyond amazing to me that these are the subjects Nghia and I were immediately in agreement on. It's almost like we didn't even need to talk about it, we just knew. Later on we will have to make very specific decisions that I know we will need to talk about more in-depth, like if we're comfortable with the birthmother smoking cigarettes during pregnancy, drinking, doing drugs, etc. We have to decide if we would choose a baby whose birthfather is incarcerated or if there is a family history of mental illness. Right now I don't know how I will answer any of these questions. I know there are a LOT of stereotypes out there about birthmothers and that the vast majority of them are just young and poor, not drug addicts with criminal histories. But still we will have to think about these questions and decide what we are comfortable with, just in case. Nghia thinks I'm going to be open to more than he is, but I'm not so sure. The social worker says that if we are unsure, we need to answer no. This is a life-long commitment, this is our baby, and we need to be 100% comfortable with what we are choosing. If we are 99% sure, the answer should still be no. I thought this was good advice.

The Start...

Earlier this week Nghia and I attended our first adoption meeting, Introduction to Domestic Adoption. We listened to a social worker carefully outline the long process we will need to go through in order to adopt our baby. We received a folder packed with information, as well as our initial application.
When we walked back to our car after the meeting, I felt like we had officially begun this exciting process. But the truth is, our journey began a long time ago...

I have always wanted to adopt a baby. Many years before Nghia and I met in 2004, I always knew it was something I was meant to do. I hoped I would be lucky enough to have biological children as well (I wanted to experience a pregnancy.), but I knew that no matter what, I would adopt a child. There was a feeling deep inside of me, a voice that I could clearly hear, that told me that at least one of my children would not grow inside of me. I can't explain this feeling, but I can say that it has always been strong and my desire to adopt a baby is something I have always talked about very openly and honestly.

I consider it a small miracle that I married a man who has the same feeling. Perhaps Nghia didn't spend years thinking about adoption, but when I first began telling him about my profound desire to one day do it, he was immediately open to the idea. I don't think I will ever be able to adequately express how grateful I am for this, that my partner is so willing and excited to do something so many people feel reluctant to consider. Nghia doesn't believe in God or that everything happens for a reason, but I do, and I believe with every ounce of myself that he and I were meant to be together. Our amazing biological children, Khai and Avi, are meant to be with us, and there is a baby whose spirit is somewhere out there right now, who is meant to be a part of our family. That baby will complete our family, he or she will be our third child, and Khai and Avi's sibling. When the time is right, that baby will begin to grow inside of a woman we don't yet know, but we will always be connected to in the deepest possible way. This woman, whomever she may be, is already one of the strongest women I will ever know. She is the real hero in this, the person solely responsible for completing our family. The gratitude I already feel towards her cannot possibly be adequately described.

The day after the meeting I began working on our initial application. When this is completed, we will mail it to the agency and a social worker will be assigned to our case. Shortly after that we will meet with her and she will help us navigate the next steps in this process. Our next meeting after that, an all day education course, will take place in November. After that we will have several more classes, several more meetings, many more forms to fill out and essays to write... If we stay on top of it (and of course we will) we will be done in February. And that's when the real waiting will begin...

Khai and Avi