Two

My incredibly sweet and wonderful sister-in-law (Nghia's sister) read my first post and told me that it was interesting to read about my long-held desire to adopt because it helped her to better understand why a couple who hadn't struggled with infertility would consider adoption.

At our first adoption meeting there were at least 8 other couples in the room, all of us in the early phase of this process. It soon became quite clear that Nghia and I were the only couple that were not there because of infertility. We were the only ones with biological children at home, and I couldn't help but feel that I was keeping a secret.  I was grateful that we didn't have to go around the room and introduce ourselves, but at later meetings we will have to do that and I am so conscious of wanting to be sensitive to everyone in the room. Nghia says that when it is our turn to talk in front of the group we will be honest but we won't dwell on it. We have had very close friends and family members struggle with infertility, so while we haven't gone through it personally, we know as well as we can that it is tremendously painful. We want to make clear that we are extremely grateful for our good luck and we don't for one second take it for granted.

Along with the initial application, Nghia and I also need to fill out a Questionnaire for Trans-Racial Adoptions. This is because we are choosing to adopt a baby that is a different race than either of us. This choice is another one of those things that, at the end of the day, just can't be put into words. It's a feeling. It feels right. It's how we both can picture our family. And it's in line with our social values to choose from the category that the agency says has an "urgent need" for adoptive parents. But that reason is secondary. The first and foremost reason we are choosing to adopt an African American baby is because of that unexplainable feeling that is telling us to adopt in the first place.

The decision to adopt and the decision to adopt an African-American baby are so tremendous and it's beyond amazing to me that these are the subjects Nghia and I were immediately in agreement on. It's almost like we didn't even need to talk about it, we just knew. Later on we will have to make very specific decisions that I know we will need to talk about more in-depth, like if we're comfortable with the birthmother smoking cigarettes during pregnancy, drinking, doing drugs, etc. We have to decide if we would choose a baby whose birthfather is incarcerated or if there is a family history of mental illness. Right now I don't know how I will answer any of these questions. I know there are a LOT of stereotypes out there about birthmothers and that the vast majority of them are just young and poor, not drug addicts with criminal histories. But still we will have to think about these questions and decide what we are comfortable with, just in case. Nghia thinks I'm going to be open to more than he is, but I'm not so sure. The social worker says that if we are unsure, we need to answer no. This is a life-long commitment, this is our baby, and we need to be 100% comfortable with what we are choosing. If we are 99% sure, the answer should still be no. I thought this was good advice.