Four

I announced that this blog exists yesterday and Nghia and I are truly blown away by the amazing, supportive responses we have gotten. It really speaks to the wonderful people in our lives. News such as this could just as easily be met with negativity, or at least apprehension and skepticism. But we have heard from people we haven't spoken to in years as well as people who are currently in our lives, and the level of excitement and kindness has truly been astounding. It means more to us that we can possibly say. We are thrilled to be raising all of our children surrounded by such amazing friends. This is literally what life is about, our deep connections to one another. I am beyond grateful.

I said in my first post that after February is when the real waiting will begin. We will have our final meeting that month and all of our paperwork will be in. Then we will turn our phones on and make sure that they are always close by, 24 hours a day. Anytime after February is when we will be chosen by a birthmother. We could be chosen in one month, we could be chosen in a year. There is just no way to predict, so it will be important for us to almost try to put it out of our minds, and not freak out every time the phone rings. As much as we can help it, anyway.

But when the phone does ring and our social worker tells us we have been chosen, any number of things could then happen:

1. We could be told that a birthmother has chosen us, she's currently in labor, and we need to come get our baby in 24 hours. This is unlikely, but absolutely possible.

2. We could be told that we have been chosen and the birthmother is due in 2 months. This is the most likely scenario. (Birthmothers cannot make a decision until they are at least 7 months pregnant, so 2 months is the longest period of time we would wait until the birth.) After we have been chosen we will have a meeting with the birthmother and our social worker. We will get to know one another and decide if we think we are a good fit since this will be an open adoption. (More on that later.) If all parties involved are in agreement, we stay in touch with the birthmother for the remainder of the pregnancy and we come to the hospital when she goes into labor. She is able to sign her parental rights away 72 hours after the birth, but not before. She signs the papers and we bring our baby home. However...
          2a. Within that 2 month period the birthmother could change her mind. Then we go back into the pool and continue waiting.
          2b. We could get through the remaining 2 months of her pregnancy, go to the hospital for the birth, and then the birthmother changes her mind at the very last minute. This would be devastating, but it sometimes happens.
          2c. This next one is the "god forbid" choice. The baby is born, the birthmother surrenders her parental rights, we take the baby home, and a month later the birthfather appears claiming custody. (He actually has up to 4 months after the birth to claim custody.)  This would be horrific and it is rare, but it also does happen. In the state of New Jersey the birthfather has the same parental rights as the birthmother, whether he has been in the picture or not. I assume this is a good thing, but holy shit, if a baby gets taken from our home I don't know how we would ever recover.

So for someone like me, someone who likes to know what will happen next and hates surprises, life after February is going to be challenging. Right now it's not challenging because we're still in complete control, filling out forms, writing essays, and attending meetings. But after February this will be out of our hands. We will wait to be chosen, we will wait to see if the birthmother changes her mind, we will wait to see if both birthparents will immediately relinquish their parental rights. So this process might be smooth and easy, or we may hit some bumps and disappointments.  The most important thing will be for us to remember that we will get our baby. If a birthmother changes her mind, it's because it wasn't our baby. The baby that is meant to be with our family will find his or her way here.

Photographic evidence of the cheesiest thing Nghia and I have ever done.