Seven

In the car a few days ago Khai began asking new questions about the adoption. This is generally what happens when children are trying to understand a very complicated issue. If the adult presents the initial information in a clear, simple way with absolutely no judgment and without too much additional information, then the child can process it all at his or her own rate. When they are ready for more information, they will make that clear, usually by bringing the subject up. With Khai, these kinds of conversations often happen in the car. Something about that space makes him feel safe and relaxed enough to bring up things he's been thinking about.

So we were in the car and pretty much out of the blue Khai asked, "Why will our new baby grow in someone else's belly? Why won't it grow in your belly?" Now, other than knowing that babies grow in mommy's bellies, Khai knows nothing about the birds and the bees. It would be highly inappropriate and confusing for me to talk about unplanned pregnancies or that sometimes a mommy decides she doesn't have the resources to take care of her baby. I know these conversations will happen with Khai and Avi when they are older, but my challenge now is trying to put this very adult issue into age-appropriate, non-judgmental language.

Presenting information without judgment is extremely challenging. For example, I could have easily told Khai, "We are going to give a home and a family to a baby who might not otherwise have one and this is going to make our family so special and amazing." This is obviously how I feel, but it's really important that I give Khai the space to draw his own conclusions. I can't tell him it's special, I need for him to figure that out on his own. Then the feeling is his, not something he's repeating but might not actually feel. It is not my job to tell him how to feel, nor am I the arbiter of what's special.

I tried not to stumble too much with my words when I told Khai, "Well, Daddy and I really wanted to have two babies that would grow in my belly, so we had you and Avi. Then we decided that since we love you and Avi so much, we would like to have another baby, but this time we are choosing a baby that will grow in someone else's belly so that we can give a family to a baby that might not otherwise have one." Then I waited, worrying that I had said too much or not been clear enough.

Khai's response?

"We will be that baby's family."