So many people have asked me what is going on with the adoption because they haven't seen a blog post in a while. And my first thought was, "Wow, I can't believe people are actually reading this thing."
Right now there's not a whole lot to tell in terms of the adoption. So much of this process is just waiting. In two weeks we will have a meeting with the social worker that has been assigned to our case. We will drive down to the agency in Cherry Hill, NJ and I believe our meeting will just be about answering our questions and finding out what we're supposed to do next. Several people have told me that they've heard that adopting a baby is a very complicated process. And while I can't speak for international adoption or adopting through the foster care system, I can definitely say that adopting domestically through an agency actually isn't all that complicated. It's a lot of work, it takes a long time, and it's expensive, but it's not all that complicated. The agency we're working with is so great because they really guide you through every step. They tell you what to do, you do it, then you wait, then they tell you what to do next. So it's time consuming, but it's relatively straight forward.
Khai has a new friend at school who is adopted. We'll call him Alex, which is not his name. This afternoon I was chatting with Alex's mom while the boys played. Early on in the conversation we figured out that we both lived in Austin years back. She told me that Alex was born in Austin. Alex heard this and turned to me and asked, "Where was Khai born?" I told him that Khai was born in the bedroom of our house in Maplewood. Alex then said, "But where did he come from?" I immediately knew what he was asking and I said, "He grew in my belly." Alex's mom jumped in and said, "Sam is Khai's birth mom." Alex said, "Oh," and went back to playing.
This exchange was really good for me to see. I liked having a 5-year old boy ask me where my son came from, as though that's a typical question to ask. I liked how clearly and easily his mom said that I am Khai's birth mom. And I loved seeing a young boy who knows he is adopted and feels comfortable talking about it so openly. Alex's parents have obviously done a lot to normalize his experience, and it shows. That's definitely how I want to do it.
I told Alex's mom that we are in the process of adopting a baby and she told me that there is a huge group of trans-racial adoptive families around here. She told me it's a wide community and she'd be happy to introduce me to people. I told her that right now I need to focus on actually getting the baby, but once he or she is here I can't wait to be a part of that group. I had no idea it was here.
So that's it for now. We're in one of the many waiting periods we will go through. I'm anxious to get going because I generally don't like waiting, but I need to find peace with it because until our baby arrives, we're going to be doing a lot of it.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Eight
When you're pregnant you are almost always thinking about how you're having a baby. Your new baby is constantly on your mind and numerous times each day you think about what life will be like when your new baby arrives. It makes sense that this would be true because when you're pregnant your baby is literally a part of your body. It moves and you are reminded that there is a life growing inside you, that your baby is on it's way to you. Towards the end of the pregnancy you're mostly thinking about how uncomfortable you are and how ready you are to see your baby, but there continues to be a rush of excitement and anticipation every time you think about your baby's arrival.
Over the last several years when I thought about how one day Nghia and I would adopt a child, I never had any doubt that I would love that child with the same intensity that I feel towards Khai and Avi. I have never doubted that I will be as deeply connected to this baby as I am to them. I know with absolute certainty that parents love their adopted and biological children with the same magnitude and the same fierce dedication. This has always been clear to me and I can easily picture it for myself. So when our baby is finally here and I am overwhelmed with emotion, I will not be surprised. There will be a million other surprises of course, but the profound level of love I will feel towards our baby is not going to surprise me. I am expecting to be hit with that wave of emotion and that primal instinct to nurture and protect.
What I was not expecting was for this period of time to feel so emotionally similar to a pregnancy. I didn't know that simply filling out paperwork, attending meetings and classes, and waiting for the phone to ring would bring up the same thoughts and feelings that one has when they are pregnant. The anticipation and excitement are the same. They are honestly exactly the same. Constantly thinking about the baby is the same. Imagining what life will be like once the baby is born is the same.
All day long I think about our baby. When I get in bed every night with my book, I think about how one of these days there will be a tiny baby curled up in bed next to me. Some nights it almost feels like something is missing. In my classroom we have a poster board with family pictures hanging on one wall. The children in my class like to look at their families and their classmates' families throughout the day. My co-teacher and I put our family pictures on the poster board too. And every time I pass by it and glance at the sweet picture of me, Nghia, Khai, and Avi I think about how beautiful that picture is going to be next year. How much fuller it will be, how much more complete it will be. It's such an interesting feeling to know your family isn't complete yet, to know that someone is missing.
Because I have done both I feel that I can say with absolute certainty that, although the process is dramatically different, the feelings of excitement, anticipation, longing, and expectancy are exactly the same. Who knew?
Over the last several years when I thought about how one day Nghia and I would adopt a child, I never had any doubt that I would love that child with the same intensity that I feel towards Khai and Avi. I have never doubted that I will be as deeply connected to this baby as I am to them. I know with absolute certainty that parents love their adopted and biological children with the same magnitude and the same fierce dedication. This has always been clear to me and I can easily picture it for myself. So when our baby is finally here and I am overwhelmed with emotion, I will not be surprised. There will be a million other surprises of course, but the profound level of love I will feel towards our baby is not going to surprise me. I am expecting to be hit with that wave of emotion and that primal instinct to nurture and protect.
What I was not expecting was for this period of time to feel so emotionally similar to a pregnancy. I didn't know that simply filling out paperwork, attending meetings and classes, and waiting for the phone to ring would bring up the same thoughts and feelings that one has when they are pregnant. The anticipation and excitement are the same. They are honestly exactly the same. Constantly thinking about the baby is the same. Imagining what life will be like once the baby is born is the same.
All day long I think about our baby. When I get in bed every night with my book, I think about how one of these days there will be a tiny baby curled up in bed next to me. Some nights it almost feels like something is missing. In my classroom we have a poster board with family pictures hanging on one wall. The children in my class like to look at their families and their classmates' families throughout the day. My co-teacher and I put our family pictures on the poster board too. And every time I pass by it and glance at the sweet picture of me, Nghia, Khai, and Avi I think about how beautiful that picture is going to be next year. How much fuller it will be, how much more complete it will be. It's such an interesting feeling to know your family isn't complete yet, to know that someone is missing.
Because I have done both I feel that I can say with absolute certainty that, although the process is dramatically different, the feelings of excitement, anticipation, longing, and expectancy are exactly the same. Who knew?
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Seven
In the car a few days ago Khai began asking new questions about the adoption. This is generally what happens when children are trying to understand a very complicated issue. If the adult presents the initial information in a clear, simple way with absolutely no judgment and without too much additional information, then the child can process it all at his or her own rate. When they are ready for more information, they will make that clear, usually by bringing the subject up. With Khai, these kinds of conversations often happen in the car. Something about that space makes him feel safe and relaxed enough to bring up things he's been thinking about.
So we were in the car and pretty much out of the blue Khai asked, "Why will our new baby grow in someone else's belly? Why won't it grow in your belly?" Now, other than knowing that babies grow in mommy's bellies, Khai knows nothing about the birds and the bees. It would be highly inappropriate and confusing for me to talk about unplanned pregnancies or that sometimes a mommy decides she doesn't have the resources to take care of her baby. I know these conversations will happen with Khai and Avi when they are older, but my challenge now is trying to put this very adult issue into age-appropriate, non-judgmental language.
Presenting information without judgment is extremely challenging. For example, I could have easily told Khai, "We are going to give a home and a family to a baby who might not otherwise have one and this is going to make our family so special and amazing." This is obviously how I feel, but it's really important that I give Khai the space to draw his own conclusions. I can't tell him it's special, I need for him to figure that out on his own. Then the feeling is his, not something he's repeating but might not actually feel. It is not my job to tell him how to feel, nor am I the arbiter of what's special.
I tried not to stumble too much with my words when I told Khai, "Well, Daddy and I really wanted to have two babies that would grow in my belly, so we had you and Avi. Then we decided that since we love you and Avi so much, we would like to have another baby, but this time we are choosing a baby that will grow in someone else's belly so that we can give a family to a baby that might not otherwise have one." Then I waited, worrying that I had said too much or not been clear enough.
Khai's response?
"We will be that baby's family."
So we were in the car and pretty much out of the blue Khai asked, "Why will our new baby grow in someone else's belly? Why won't it grow in your belly?" Now, other than knowing that babies grow in mommy's bellies, Khai knows nothing about the birds and the bees. It would be highly inappropriate and confusing for me to talk about unplanned pregnancies or that sometimes a mommy decides she doesn't have the resources to take care of her baby. I know these conversations will happen with Khai and Avi when they are older, but my challenge now is trying to put this very adult issue into age-appropriate, non-judgmental language.
Presenting information without judgment is extremely challenging. For example, I could have easily told Khai, "We are going to give a home and a family to a baby who might not otherwise have one and this is going to make our family so special and amazing." This is obviously how I feel, but it's really important that I give Khai the space to draw his own conclusions. I can't tell him it's special, I need for him to figure that out on his own. Then the feeling is his, not something he's repeating but might not actually feel. It is not my job to tell him how to feel, nor am I the arbiter of what's special.
I tried not to stumble too much with my words when I told Khai, "Well, Daddy and I really wanted to have two babies that would grow in my belly, so we had you and Avi. Then we decided that since we love you and Avi so much, we would like to have another baby, but this time we are choosing a baby that will grow in someone else's belly so that we can give a family to a baby that might not otherwise have one." Then I waited, worrying that I had said too much or not been clear enough.
Khai's response?
"We will be that baby's family."
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Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Six
Although Nghia and I were in immediate agreement that we would like to adopt an African American baby, it is not a decision we have taken lightly.When I think about having a black child, I feel such a wide mix of emotions. As I have previously stated, it feels right. But it also feels scary and exciting and overwhelming.
Like just about every other mother on the planet, I want my children to be treated well. I am filled with fury when I think of the adults that teased Khai for wearing nail polish or the neighbor that once hurt Avi's feelings. I want to protect them from physical harm, and I want to protect them from any and all emotional hurts. I realize this is unrealistic and that part of cultivating confidence in children is teaching them how to mentally and emotionally respond to assholes. It's an important skill to learn. But let's be honest, this is going to be a lot more challenging when the child I am trying to shield is going to have moments in his or her life where they are treated unfairly simply because of their race. This already pains me to think of, but I would be naive to think it's not going to happen. And like all issues surrounding race, privilege, and power I think it's important to talk about.
Recently the Oscar-winning actor, Forest Whitaker was accused of shoplifting at a market on the upper west side in Manhattan. This market is across the street from where I went to graduate school. It has delicious sandwiches and salads, and during the 3 years I was in school I probably ate there at least once a week. A couple of weeks ago Forest Whitaker stopped by the shop to buy a yogurt while he was in New York filming a movie. While he shopped, he was approached by a worker who accused him of shoplifting and then proceeded to frisk him, looking for the lifted item. Bystanders saw and began speaking up, defending Forest Whitaker and explaining to the worker who he is. Long story short, the store manager apologized, the worker was fired, and Forest Whitaker was vindicated, as well as humiliated. When this story hit the press, many locals spoke up and said they often see black people being wrongly accused and frisked at this market. So while what happened to Forest Whitaker is appalling and inexcusable, it is far more devastating to think of all the other people this has happened to there. People who don't have the prestige of Forest Whitaker, who can't take their experience to the press and get wide support from the community. People who have no power when they are falsely accused and treated like a criminal. Those individuals can only leave the store, mortified and filled with a rage I can't begin to fathom. (For the record, the shop is Milano Market on Broadway and 112th and I will never set foot inside their store again.)
Sometimes I think about a video I recently saw of LeVar Burton explaining how he taught his sons to respond if they ever get pulled over. He told his boys to immediately put their hands on the windowsill of the car, so the cop doesn't pull out his gun, thinking the kid is a threat. This is a conversation that white people don't have to have with their children. We tell our kids to be polite to cops, not to keep their hands visible so they don't mistakenly get shot.
I think of a close friend of mine who once told me that when she gets pulled over she tries to talk "extra white." She says that helps, unless the cop is black, and then it backfires. It's so much to think about, so much to keep track of, and none of it is fair or makes sense.
Knowing how difficult it can be to be a black person in our society, I wonder if I, as a white person, can adequately raise a child who will have such a different experience in the world. Not just will I do a good job, but can I prepare him or her well enough?
I wonder if it will help that we're already a mixed-race family. Nghia obviously doesn't know what it's like to be black, but he does know what it's like to be the only one. He knows what it feels like to be teased and bullied solely because he is of a different race. If, god forbid, our child ever experiences racism personally, Nghia will be able to identify. He will be able to recall what it felt like to be the only minority in a completely white neighborhood, and how alone and isolating that could sometimes be. And he will be able to tell our kid, in a way that I will not, that yes, it feels terrible, but it does not have to define you. We cannot let it define you.
I wonder if it will also help that we live in such a diverse area. Our neighborhood is not only racially and ethnically integrated, but we all go one step further and actually hang out with each other. We do more than simply live side-by-side. Our child will never be the only black kid in the class, on the street, in the neighborhood, at the birthday party.
Perhaps growing up in such a racially-mixed town, where there are so many different kinds of families, will give our child a foundation of self-worth and confidence that will be an asset when it comes time to handle the rest of the world.
Like just about every other mother on the planet, I want my children to be treated well. I am filled with fury when I think of the adults that teased Khai for wearing nail polish or the neighbor that once hurt Avi's feelings. I want to protect them from physical harm, and I want to protect them from any and all emotional hurts. I realize this is unrealistic and that part of cultivating confidence in children is teaching them how to mentally and emotionally respond to assholes. It's an important skill to learn. But let's be honest, this is going to be a lot more challenging when the child I am trying to shield is going to have moments in his or her life where they are treated unfairly simply because of their race. This already pains me to think of, but I would be naive to think it's not going to happen. And like all issues surrounding race, privilege, and power I think it's important to talk about.
Recently the Oscar-winning actor, Forest Whitaker was accused of shoplifting at a market on the upper west side in Manhattan. This market is across the street from where I went to graduate school. It has delicious sandwiches and salads, and during the 3 years I was in school I probably ate there at least once a week. A couple of weeks ago Forest Whitaker stopped by the shop to buy a yogurt while he was in New York filming a movie. While he shopped, he was approached by a worker who accused him of shoplifting and then proceeded to frisk him, looking for the lifted item. Bystanders saw and began speaking up, defending Forest Whitaker and explaining to the worker who he is. Long story short, the store manager apologized, the worker was fired, and Forest Whitaker was vindicated, as well as humiliated. When this story hit the press, many locals spoke up and said they often see black people being wrongly accused and frisked at this market. So while what happened to Forest Whitaker is appalling and inexcusable, it is far more devastating to think of all the other people this has happened to there. People who don't have the prestige of Forest Whitaker, who can't take their experience to the press and get wide support from the community. People who have no power when they are falsely accused and treated like a criminal. Those individuals can only leave the store, mortified and filled with a rage I can't begin to fathom. (For the record, the shop is Milano Market on Broadway and 112th and I will never set foot inside their store again.)
Sometimes I think about a video I recently saw of LeVar Burton explaining how he taught his sons to respond if they ever get pulled over. He told his boys to immediately put their hands on the windowsill of the car, so the cop doesn't pull out his gun, thinking the kid is a threat. This is a conversation that white people don't have to have with their children. We tell our kids to be polite to cops, not to keep their hands visible so they don't mistakenly get shot.
I think of a close friend of mine who once told me that when she gets pulled over she tries to talk "extra white." She says that helps, unless the cop is black, and then it backfires. It's so much to think about, so much to keep track of, and none of it is fair or makes sense.
Knowing how difficult it can be to be a black person in our society, I wonder if I, as a white person, can adequately raise a child who will have such a different experience in the world. Not just will I do a good job, but can I prepare him or her well enough?
I wonder if it will help that we're already a mixed-race family. Nghia obviously doesn't know what it's like to be black, but he does know what it's like to be the only one. He knows what it feels like to be teased and bullied solely because he is of a different race. If, god forbid, our child ever experiences racism personally, Nghia will be able to identify. He will be able to recall what it felt like to be the only minority in a completely white neighborhood, and how alone and isolating that could sometimes be. And he will be able to tell our kid, in a way that I will not, that yes, it feels terrible, but it does not have to define you. We cannot let it define you.
I wonder if it will also help that we live in such a diverse area. Our neighborhood is not only racially and ethnically integrated, but we all go one step further and actually hang out with each other. We do more than simply live side-by-side. Our child will never be the only black kid in the class, on the street, in the neighborhood, at the birthday party.
Perhaps growing up in such a racially-mixed town, where there are so many different kinds of families, will give our child a foundation of self-worth and confidence that will be an asset when it comes time to handle the rest of the world.
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| We joined our neighbors and marched in solidarity. |
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Five
While I feel thrilled and overjoyed at the thought of expanding our family through adoption, I definitely understand how our decision might be met with confusion. I think it is somewhat unusual to make this decision when we could just get a baby the old-fashioned way. The vast, vast majority of people we've told have responded with a level of support and happiness for us that has far exceeded my expectations. But, of course, there are also other reactions. Nobody has legitimately been negative, but people have asked me questions or made comments that I have to admit, make me feel a bit defensive. For example:
1. What if the baby you get is really messed up?
2. What if the baby doesn't have problems, but it turns out they were exposed to something in utero that gives them problems that manifest later?
3. What if you get a girl and someday she and one of your sons decide to have sex because they're not actually biologically related?
4. What if your baby has the obesity gene?
This is a small example of the questions I have gotten recently, and yes, those are all questions I have actually gotten.
Here is how I have tried to respond:
1. Adopted children are no more likely to have problems than children who are not adopted.
2. We will do our best to handle any challenges any of our children have.
3. This question actually made me go do a bit of research because it's incredibly disturbing and it got stuck in my mind. And as hard as I tried, I couldn't find any documented cases of adopted siblings having sexual relations. This definitely doesn't mean it hasn't happened, and I think pretty much anything we can think of has happened at some point over the history of time. And hell, look at what Woody Allen did. Crazy things do happen. But I believe that if two children grow up together and have the same parents, they are siblings and they view each other as siblings, whether they are biologically related or not. And in general, siblings are not attracted to each other. This is very low on my list of concerns. So low, in fact, that it's not even on the list.
4. This one is also low on the list of concerns. My response was simply that there are worse things and I want all of my children to be healthy and to feel confident.
So while at first I was sort of surprised to have people voice their negative stereotypes about adopted children in the form of questions, I also remembered the seemingly insensitive comments I got when I was pregnant. Comments such as:
1. Have you and Nghia decided what you would do if there's something wrong with the baby?
2. I knew someone who was sick for all 9 months. (I received this comment when I was in the midst of horrific morning sickness and the only thing that was keeping me sane was knowing it would end when I hit 12 weeks.)
3. Do you worry about having a miscarriage?
4. Wow, you're huge!!
So, I guess the take-away from all this is that people say insensitive, unthinking things all the time! And honestly, they usually mean well. I tend to believe that people are generally kind and when they ask questions or make comments that sound uninformed or insensitive, it's not because they're trying to be provocative or offensive. They're just trying to understand, especially in the case of adoption. And when it comes to adoption, there are so many stereotypes out there that are constantly being reinforced by pop-culture and the media. Especially the idea that children who are adopted come with a set of problems. This is absolutely untrue, according to all of the longitudinal studies that have been done.
Children who are adopted at birth, like our child will be, face the same challenges that any other child faces, adopted or not. Now, that's not to say that when they're teenagers they won't have issues with identity. They probably will, according to the research out there. And it makes sense that during that fragile developmental period, children who are adopted will think about where they come from in a way that non-adopted teens won't. This is one of the reasons we are doing an open adoption, so our child will always be able to have his or her questions answered. I do expect this issue to come up and to be something Nghia and I will need to handle very thoughtfully and with a great deal of sensitivity. And that's okay. All of our children are going to face challenges and one of the most difficult and important parts of parenting is figuring out how to be there for your kid in the way that they need when they are going through a tough time. Growing up is hard for everyone. My teenage years certainly weren't without angst and drama. In fact, they mostly sucked. So will our adopted child face challenges as he or she grows up? The answer, of course, is yes. And will Khai and Avi face challenges as they grow up? Of course they will. Because growing up is hard. For everyone.
Knowing they will face challenges doesn't stop people from having biological children. Why should it stop us from adopting?
1. What if the baby you get is really messed up?
2. What if the baby doesn't have problems, but it turns out they were exposed to something in utero that gives them problems that manifest later?
3. What if you get a girl and someday she and one of your sons decide to have sex because they're not actually biologically related?
4. What if your baby has the obesity gene?
This is a small example of the questions I have gotten recently, and yes, those are all questions I have actually gotten.
Here is how I have tried to respond:
1. Adopted children are no more likely to have problems than children who are not adopted.
2. We will do our best to handle any challenges any of our children have.
3. This question actually made me go do a bit of research because it's incredibly disturbing and it got stuck in my mind. And as hard as I tried, I couldn't find any documented cases of adopted siblings having sexual relations. This definitely doesn't mean it hasn't happened, and I think pretty much anything we can think of has happened at some point over the history of time. And hell, look at what Woody Allen did. Crazy things do happen. But I believe that if two children grow up together and have the same parents, they are siblings and they view each other as siblings, whether they are biologically related or not. And in general, siblings are not attracted to each other. This is very low on my list of concerns. So low, in fact, that it's not even on the list.
4. This one is also low on the list of concerns. My response was simply that there are worse things and I want all of my children to be healthy and to feel confident.
So while at first I was sort of surprised to have people voice their negative stereotypes about adopted children in the form of questions, I also remembered the seemingly insensitive comments I got when I was pregnant. Comments such as:
1. Have you and Nghia decided what you would do if there's something wrong with the baby?
2. I knew someone who was sick for all 9 months. (I received this comment when I was in the midst of horrific morning sickness and the only thing that was keeping me sane was knowing it would end when I hit 12 weeks.)
3. Do you worry about having a miscarriage?
4. Wow, you're huge!!
So, I guess the take-away from all this is that people say insensitive, unthinking things all the time! And honestly, they usually mean well. I tend to believe that people are generally kind and when they ask questions or make comments that sound uninformed or insensitive, it's not because they're trying to be provocative or offensive. They're just trying to understand, especially in the case of adoption. And when it comes to adoption, there are so many stereotypes out there that are constantly being reinforced by pop-culture and the media. Especially the idea that children who are adopted come with a set of problems. This is absolutely untrue, according to all of the longitudinal studies that have been done.
Children who are adopted at birth, like our child will be, face the same challenges that any other child faces, adopted or not. Now, that's not to say that when they're teenagers they won't have issues with identity. They probably will, according to the research out there. And it makes sense that during that fragile developmental period, children who are adopted will think about where they come from in a way that non-adopted teens won't. This is one of the reasons we are doing an open adoption, so our child will always be able to have his or her questions answered. I do expect this issue to come up and to be something Nghia and I will need to handle very thoughtfully and with a great deal of sensitivity. And that's okay. All of our children are going to face challenges and one of the most difficult and important parts of parenting is figuring out how to be there for your kid in the way that they need when they are going through a tough time. Growing up is hard for everyone. My teenage years certainly weren't without angst and drama. In fact, they mostly sucked. So will our adopted child face challenges as he or she grows up? The answer, of course, is yes. And will Khai and Avi face challenges as they grow up? Of course they will. Because growing up is hard. For everyone.
Knowing they will face challenges doesn't stop people from having biological children. Why should it stop us from adopting?
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| Nghia reading a book to my sister's kids. This is about a month before Khai was born. |
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Four
I announced that this blog exists yesterday and Nghia and I are truly blown away by the amazing, supportive responses we have gotten. It really speaks to the wonderful people in our lives. News such as this could just as easily be met with negativity, or at least apprehension and skepticism. But we have heard from people we haven't spoken to in years as well as people who are currently in our lives, and the level of excitement and kindness has truly been astounding. It means more to us that we can possibly say. We are thrilled to be raising all of our children surrounded by such amazing friends. This is literally what life is about, our deep connections to one another. I am beyond grateful.
I said in my first post that after February is when the real waiting will begin. We will have our final meeting that month and all of our paperwork will be in. Then we will turn our phones on and make sure that they are always close by, 24 hours a day. Anytime after February is when we will be chosen by a birthmother. We could be chosen in one month, we could be chosen in a year. There is just no way to predict, so it will be important for us to almost try to put it out of our minds, and not freak out every time the phone rings. As much as we can help it, anyway.
But when the phone does ring and our social worker tells us we have been chosen, any number of things could then happen:
1. We could be told that a birthmother has chosen us, she's currently in labor, and we need to come get our baby in 24 hours. This is unlikely, but absolutely possible.
2. We could be told that we have been chosen and the birthmother is due in 2 months. This is the most likely scenario. (Birthmothers cannot make a decision until they are at least 7 months pregnant, so 2 months is the longest period of time we would wait until the birth.) After we have been chosen we will have a meeting with the birthmother and our social worker. We will get to know one another and decide if we think we are a good fit since this will be an open adoption. (More on that later.) If all parties involved are in agreement, we stay in touch with the birthmother for the remainder of the pregnancy and we come to the hospital when she goes into labor. She is able to sign her parental rights away 72 hours after the birth, but not before. She signs the papers and we bring our baby home. However...
2a. Within that 2 month period the birthmother could change her mind. Then we go back into the pool and continue waiting.
2b. We could get through the remaining 2 months of her pregnancy, go to the hospital for the birth, and then the birthmother changes her mind at the very last minute. This would be devastating, but it sometimes happens.
2c. This next one is the "god forbid" choice. The baby is born, the birthmother surrenders her parental rights, we take the baby home, and a month later the birthfather appears claiming custody. (He actually has up to 4 months after the birth to claim custody.) This would be horrific and it is rare, but it also does happen. In the state of New Jersey the birthfather has the same parental rights as the birthmother, whether he has been in the picture or not. I assume this is a good thing, but holy shit, if a baby gets taken from our home I don't know how we would ever recover.
So for someone like me, someone who likes to know what will happen next and hates surprises, life after February is going to be challenging. Right now it's not challenging because we're still in complete control, filling out forms, writing essays, and attending meetings. But after February this will be out of our hands. We will wait to be chosen, we will wait to see if the birthmother changes her mind, we will wait to see if both birthparents will immediately relinquish their parental rights. So this process might be smooth and easy, or we may hit some bumps and disappointments. The most important thing will be for us to remember that we will get our baby. If a birthmother changes her mind, it's because it wasn't our baby. The baby that is meant to be with our family will find his or her way here.
I said in my first post that after February is when the real waiting will begin. We will have our final meeting that month and all of our paperwork will be in. Then we will turn our phones on and make sure that they are always close by, 24 hours a day. Anytime after February is when we will be chosen by a birthmother. We could be chosen in one month, we could be chosen in a year. There is just no way to predict, so it will be important for us to almost try to put it out of our minds, and not freak out every time the phone rings. As much as we can help it, anyway.
But when the phone does ring and our social worker tells us we have been chosen, any number of things could then happen:
1. We could be told that a birthmother has chosen us, she's currently in labor, and we need to come get our baby in 24 hours. This is unlikely, but absolutely possible.
2. We could be told that we have been chosen and the birthmother is due in 2 months. This is the most likely scenario. (Birthmothers cannot make a decision until they are at least 7 months pregnant, so 2 months is the longest period of time we would wait until the birth.) After we have been chosen we will have a meeting with the birthmother and our social worker. We will get to know one another and decide if we think we are a good fit since this will be an open adoption. (More on that later.) If all parties involved are in agreement, we stay in touch with the birthmother for the remainder of the pregnancy and we come to the hospital when she goes into labor. She is able to sign her parental rights away 72 hours after the birth, but not before. She signs the papers and we bring our baby home. However...
2a. Within that 2 month period the birthmother could change her mind. Then we go back into the pool and continue waiting.
2b. We could get through the remaining 2 months of her pregnancy, go to the hospital for the birth, and then the birthmother changes her mind at the very last minute. This would be devastating, but it sometimes happens.
2c. This next one is the "god forbid" choice. The baby is born, the birthmother surrenders her parental rights, we take the baby home, and a month later the birthfather appears claiming custody. (He actually has up to 4 months after the birth to claim custody.) This would be horrific and it is rare, but it also does happen. In the state of New Jersey the birthfather has the same parental rights as the birthmother, whether he has been in the picture or not. I assume this is a good thing, but holy shit, if a baby gets taken from our home I don't know how we would ever recover.
So for someone like me, someone who likes to know what will happen next and hates surprises, life after February is going to be challenging. Right now it's not challenging because we're still in complete control, filling out forms, writing essays, and attending meetings. But after February this will be out of our hands. We will wait to be chosen, we will wait to see if the birthmother changes her mind, we will wait to see if both birthparents will immediately relinquish their parental rights. So this process might be smooth and easy, or we may hit some bumps and disappointments. The most important thing will be for us to remember that we will get our baby. If a birthmother changes her mind, it's because it wasn't our baby. The baby that is meant to be with our family will find his or her way here.
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| Photographic evidence of the cheesiest thing Nghia and I have ever done. |
Monday, August 26, 2013
Three
People ask if we've talked to Khai and Avi about the adoption, and if so what we've told them. Lucky for us, Khai and Avi are familiar with adoption because my sister's children are adopted from Kazakhstan. Khai obviously understands a bit more than Avi, but they are both as familiar with the concept as they can be right now.
At the ages they are (almost 5 and almost 3) the most important thing we can do right now in terms of preparing them is continuing to make language around adoption familiar. If the words are understood, everything else will follow. So with that in mind, the answer is yes, we have talked to them and we will continue talking with them until our baby arrives. With children it is very important to keep things simple and not give too much information at one time when you are discussing complicated issues. You present the truth and then you wait for their response. If their response is a follow-up question, this means they are ready to hear more. If their response is about something completely unrelated, this means you have given them as much as they can process at this moment and it is time to drop the subject. Conversations like this need to be child-led, meaning the adult needs to pay very close attention to the child and give out only as much information as the child can take in. It can be tempting to say more, but it is extremely important that you not overload the child with too much information.
About a month ago I said to Khai, "You are going to have a new baby brother or sister. We are adopting the baby, which means he or she will grow in another woman's belly." Khai asked, "When will the baby be here," and I said that we don't know. Then he said, "I hope it's a brother and I hope it comes soon." Then he changed the subject. Done!
About a week or so later it was time for me and Nghia to attend our first adoption meeting. That afternoon I told both boys, "Daddy and I have to go to an adoption meeting tonight so we can learn more about getting your baby brother or sister." The boys were upset that we were going out, so they were more focused on that than anything else. But the next morning Avi asked, "Mommy, are you going to an adoption meeting today?" This means that Avi is beginning to absorb the language and the word adoption is now familiar enough to him that he can use it in context. This is an extremely important part of comprehension at this age, so I was happy Avi asked this question. In the last several days he has asked me numerous times if I am going to another adoption meeting. Really, he is making sure I am not going out, but the fact that he is using the word adoption is important. I always tell him no, I am staying home, because that is what he is saying he needs to hear.
But Avi, being the unusually articulate child that he is, has also said a lot more. In the car the other day Khai brought up the subject. We were having a light conversation about his new baby brother or sister when Avi chimed in and said, "I don't want another baby to come." I asked him why and he said, "Because I'm the baby." Sweet, articulate, oddly self-aware Avi! This kid always surprises us with the things he says!
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| Cousins (Ainyr and baby Avi) |
At the ages they are (almost 5 and almost 3) the most important thing we can do right now in terms of preparing them is continuing to make language around adoption familiar. If the words are understood, everything else will follow. So with that in mind, the answer is yes, we have talked to them and we will continue talking with them until our baby arrives. With children it is very important to keep things simple and not give too much information at one time when you are discussing complicated issues. You present the truth and then you wait for their response. If their response is a follow-up question, this means they are ready to hear more. If their response is about something completely unrelated, this means you have given them as much as they can process at this moment and it is time to drop the subject. Conversations like this need to be child-led, meaning the adult needs to pay very close attention to the child and give out only as much information as the child can take in. It can be tempting to say more, but it is extremely important that you not overload the child with too much information.
About a month ago I said to Khai, "You are going to have a new baby brother or sister. We are adopting the baby, which means he or she will grow in another woman's belly." Khai asked, "When will the baby be here," and I said that we don't know. Then he said, "I hope it's a brother and I hope it comes soon." Then he changed the subject. Done!
About a week or so later it was time for me and Nghia to attend our first adoption meeting. That afternoon I told both boys, "Daddy and I have to go to an adoption meeting tonight so we can learn more about getting your baby brother or sister." The boys were upset that we were going out, so they were more focused on that than anything else. But the next morning Avi asked, "Mommy, are you going to an adoption meeting today?" This means that Avi is beginning to absorb the language and the word adoption is now familiar enough to him that he can use it in context. This is an extremely important part of comprehension at this age, so I was happy Avi asked this question. In the last several days he has asked me numerous times if I am going to another adoption meeting. Really, he is making sure I am not going out, but the fact that he is using the word adoption is important. I always tell him no, I am staying home, because that is what he is saying he needs to hear.
But Avi, being the unusually articulate child that he is, has also said a lot more. In the car the other day Khai brought up the subject. We were having a light conversation about his new baby brother or sister when Avi chimed in and said, "I don't want another baby to come." I asked him why and he said, "Because I'm the baby." Sweet, articulate, oddly self-aware Avi! This kid always surprises us with the things he says!
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