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| Cousins (Ainyr and baby Avi) |
At the ages they are (almost 5 and almost 3) the most important thing we can do right now in terms of preparing them is continuing to make language around adoption familiar. If the words are understood, everything else will follow. So with that in mind, the answer is yes, we have talked to them and we will continue talking with them until our baby arrives. With children it is very important to keep things simple and not give too much information at one time when you are discussing complicated issues. You present the truth and then you wait for their response. If their response is a follow-up question, this means they are ready to hear more. If their response is about something completely unrelated, this means you have given them as much as they can process at this moment and it is time to drop the subject. Conversations like this need to be child-led, meaning the adult needs to pay very close attention to the child and give out only as much information as the child can take in. It can be tempting to say more, but it is extremely important that you not overload the child with too much information.
About a month ago I said to Khai, "You are going to have a new baby brother or sister. We are adopting the baby, which means he or she will grow in another woman's belly." Khai asked, "When will the baby be here," and I said that we don't know. Then he said, "I hope it's a brother and I hope it comes soon." Then he changed the subject. Done!
About a week or so later it was time for me and Nghia to attend our first adoption meeting. That afternoon I told both boys, "Daddy and I have to go to an adoption meeting tonight so we can learn more about getting your baby brother or sister." The boys were upset that we were going out, so they were more focused on that than anything else. But the next morning Avi asked, "Mommy, are you going to an adoption meeting today?" This means that Avi is beginning to absorb the language and the word adoption is now familiar enough to him that he can use it in context. This is an extremely important part of comprehension at this age, so I was happy Avi asked this question. In the last several days he has asked me numerous times if I am going to another adoption meeting. Really, he is making sure I am not going out, but the fact that he is using the word adoption is important. I always tell him no, I am staying home, because that is what he is saying he needs to hear.
But Avi, being the unusually articulate child that he is, has also said a lot more. In the car the other day Khai brought up the subject. We were having a light conversation about his new baby brother or sister when Avi chimed in and said, "I don't want another baby to come." I asked him why and he said, "Because I'm the baby." Sweet, articulate, oddly self-aware Avi! This kid always surprises us with the things he says!
5 comments:
Great conversations you're having. Avi definitely has it figured out! Glad you're sharing with everyone, and thanks for letting me in!
I just had a few minutes to catch myself up with your first three entries. Tears in my eyes. Tears of joy for your family on its journey, for the beauty of your language in how you write about it, for your strength and clarity of where, why and how you are embarking on this journey and for how it is so true that you are an amazing mother--something I had always known you would be for the 27 years I'd known you before you became a mother and certainly in the last 5 years that I have gotten to see you in action. I am so happy for you, Nghia, Khai and Avi. I can't wait to read more and to meet your newest family member. Thank you for writing. Now I'm greedy for more!
Was so surprised when I saw you mention (the blog) on Facebook. Had to will myself to get back to work and wait til I got home tonight to read your entries. So excited for for you and Nghia and Khai and Avi, and so moved.
My thoughts when I was reading about your concerns about wanting to be sensitive to the people whom did not yet have children (when you and Nghia already do) were around the idea of returning to what the impact of the adoption will be (everyone's) - that a child will be wanted and will be finding a home and a family, that's the most important part it seems like. The other parts are really important, but you guys are like some of thethe least entitled/ toe stepping/ heart crushing/ oafs I know - and when I was reading all 3 entries, I was thinking there is a baby (or kid...) somewhere who is going to be found and loved and embraced for who they are, and have 2 great lovely brothers and 2 great parents - and I got all teary. Thank you for sharing the news and the journey. Jen O. xo
What wonderful conversations you're having with the boys about the adoption process! I'm really learning a lot from you. Kim
I wish the potential birth mothers would read this. Then they'd know what a great mom the baby could have
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