Five

While I feel thrilled and overjoyed at the thought of expanding our family through adoption, I definitely understand how our decision might be met with confusion. I think it is somewhat unusual to make this decision when we could just get a baby the old-fashioned way.  The vast, vast majority of people we've told have responded with a level of support and happiness for us that has far exceeded my expectations. But, of course, there are also other reactions. Nobody has legitimately been negative, but people have asked me questions or made comments that I have to admit, make me feel a bit defensive. For example:

1. What if the baby you get is really messed up?
2. What if the baby doesn't have problems, but it turns out they were exposed to something in utero that gives them problems that manifest later?
3. What if you get a girl and someday she and one of your sons decide to have sex because they're not actually biologically related?
4. What if your baby has the obesity gene?

This is a small example of the questions I have gotten recently, and yes, those are all questions I have actually gotten.

Here is how I have tried to respond:

1. Adopted children are no more likely to have problems than children who are not adopted.
2. We will do our best to handle any challenges any of our children have.
3. This question actually made me go do a bit of research because it's incredibly disturbing and it got stuck in my mind. And as hard as I tried, I couldn't find any documented cases of adopted siblings having sexual relations. This definitely doesn't mean it hasn't happened, and I think pretty much anything we can think of has happened at some point over the history of time. And hell, look at what Woody Allen did. Crazy things do happen. But I believe that if two children grow up together and have the same parents, they are siblings and they view each other as siblings, whether they are biologically related or not. And in general, siblings are not attracted to each other. This is very low on my list of concerns. So low, in fact, that it's not even on the list.
4. This one is also low on the list of concerns. My response was simply that there are worse things and I want all of my children to be healthy and to feel confident.

So while at first I was sort of surprised to have people voice their negative stereotypes about adopted children in the form of questions, I also remembered the seemingly insensitive comments I got when I was pregnant. Comments such as:

1. Have you and Nghia decided what you would do if there's something wrong with the baby?
2. I knew someone who was sick for all 9 months. (I received this comment when I was in the midst of horrific morning sickness and the only thing that was keeping me sane was knowing it would end when I hit 12 weeks.)
3. Do you worry about having a miscarriage?
4. Wow, you're huge!!

So, I guess the take-away from all this is that people say insensitive, unthinking things all the time! And honestly, they usually mean well. I tend to believe that people are generally kind and when they ask questions or make comments that sound uninformed or insensitive, it's not because they're trying to be provocative or offensive. They're just trying to understand, especially in the case of adoption. And when it comes to adoption, there are so many stereotypes out there that are constantly being reinforced by pop-culture and the media. Especially the idea that children who are adopted come with a set of problems. This is absolutely untrue, according to all of the longitudinal studies that have been done.

Children who are adopted at birth, like our child will be, face the same challenges that any other child faces, adopted or not. Now, that's not to say that when they're teenagers they won't have issues with identity. They probably will, according to the research out there. And it makes sense that during that fragile developmental period, children who are adopted will think about where they come from in a way that non-adopted teens  won't. This is one of the reasons we are doing an open adoption, so our child will always be able to have his or her questions answered. I do expect this issue to come up and to be something Nghia and I will need to handle very thoughtfully and with a great deal of sensitivity. And that's okay. All of our children are going to face challenges and one of the most difficult and important parts of parenting is figuring out how to be there for your kid in the way that they need when they are going through a tough time. Growing up is hard for everyone. My teenage years certainly weren't without angst and drama. In fact, they mostly sucked.  So will our adopted child face challenges as he or she grows up? The answer, of course, is yes. And will Khai and Avi face challenges as they grow up? Of course they will. Because growing up is hard. For everyone.

Knowing they will face challenges doesn't stop people from having biological children. Why should it stop us from adopting? 

Nghia reading a book to my sister's kids. This is about a month before Khai was born.

Four

I announced that this blog exists yesterday and Nghia and I are truly blown away by the amazing, supportive responses we have gotten. It really speaks to the wonderful people in our lives. News such as this could just as easily be met with negativity, or at least apprehension and skepticism. But we have heard from people we haven't spoken to in years as well as people who are currently in our lives, and the level of excitement and kindness has truly been astounding. It means more to us that we can possibly say. We are thrilled to be raising all of our children surrounded by such amazing friends. This is literally what life is about, our deep connections to one another. I am beyond grateful.

I said in my first post that after February is when the real waiting will begin. We will have our final meeting that month and all of our paperwork will be in. Then we will turn our phones on and make sure that they are always close by, 24 hours a day. Anytime after February is when we will be chosen by a birthmother. We could be chosen in one month, we could be chosen in a year. There is just no way to predict, so it will be important for us to almost try to put it out of our minds, and not freak out every time the phone rings. As much as we can help it, anyway.

But when the phone does ring and our social worker tells us we have been chosen, any number of things could then happen:

1. We could be told that a birthmother has chosen us, she's currently in labor, and we need to come get our baby in 24 hours. This is unlikely, but absolutely possible.

2. We could be told that we have been chosen and the birthmother is due in 2 months. This is the most likely scenario. (Birthmothers cannot make a decision until they are at least 7 months pregnant, so 2 months is the longest period of time we would wait until the birth.) After we have been chosen we will have a meeting with the birthmother and our social worker. We will get to know one another and decide if we think we are a good fit since this will be an open adoption. (More on that later.) If all parties involved are in agreement, we stay in touch with the birthmother for the remainder of the pregnancy and we come to the hospital when she goes into labor. She is able to sign her parental rights away 72 hours after the birth, but not before. She signs the papers and we bring our baby home. However...
          2a. Within that 2 month period the birthmother could change her mind. Then we go back into the pool and continue waiting.
          2b. We could get through the remaining 2 months of her pregnancy, go to the hospital for the birth, and then the birthmother changes her mind at the very last minute. This would be devastating, but it sometimes happens.
          2c. This next one is the "god forbid" choice. The baby is born, the birthmother surrenders her parental rights, we take the baby home, and a month later the birthfather appears claiming custody. (He actually has up to 4 months after the birth to claim custody.)  This would be horrific and it is rare, but it also does happen. In the state of New Jersey the birthfather has the same parental rights as the birthmother, whether he has been in the picture or not. I assume this is a good thing, but holy shit, if a baby gets taken from our home I don't know how we would ever recover.

So for someone like me, someone who likes to know what will happen next and hates surprises, life after February is going to be challenging. Right now it's not challenging because we're still in complete control, filling out forms, writing essays, and attending meetings. But after February this will be out of our hands. We will wait to be chosen, we will wait to see if the birthmother changes her mind, we will wait to see if both birthparents will immediately relinquish their parental rights. So this process might be smooth and easy, or we may hit some bumps and disappointments.  The most important thing will be for us to remember that we will get our baby. If a birthmother changes her mind, it's because it wasn't our baby. The baby that is meant to be with our family will find his or her way here.

Photographic evidence of the cheesiest thing Nghia and I have ever done.

Three

People ask if we've talked to Khai and Avi about the adoption, and if so what we've told them. Lucky for us, Khai and Avi are familiar with adoption because my sister's children are adopted from Kazakhstan. Khai obviously understands a bit more than Avi, but they are both as familiar with the concept as they can be right now.

Cousins (Ainyr and baby Avi)

At the ages they are (almost 5 and almost 3) the most important thing we can do right now in terms of preparing them is continuing to make language around adoption familiar. If the words are understood, everything else will follow. So with that in mind, the answer is yes, we have talked to them and we will continue talking with them until our baby arrives. With children it is very important to keep things simple and not give too much information at one time when you are discussing complicated issues. You present the truth and then you wait for their response. If their response is a follow-up question, this means they are ready to hear more. If their response is about something completely unrelated, this means you have given them as much as they can process at this moment and it is time to drop the subject. Conversations like this need to be child-led, meaning the adult needs to pay very close attention to the child and give out only as much information as the child can take in. It can be tempting to say more, but it is extremely important that you not overload the child with too much information.

About a month ago I said to Khai, "You are going to have a new baby brother or sister. We are adopting the baby, which means he or she will grow in another woman's belly." Khai asked, "When will the baby be here," and I said that we don't know. Then he said, "I hope it's a brother and I hope it comes soon." Then he changed the subject. Done!

About a week or so later it was time for me and Nghia to attend our first adoption meeting. That afternoon I told both boys, "Daddy and I have to go to an adoption meeting tonight so we can learn more about getting your baby brother or sister." The boys were upset that we were going out, so they were more focused on that than anything else. But the next morning Avi asked, "Mommy, are you going to an adoption meeting today?" This means that Avi is beginning to absorb the language and the word adoption is now familiar enough to him that he can use it in context. This is an extremely important part of comprehension at this age, so I was happy Avi asked this question. In the last several days he has asked me numerous times if I am going to another adoption meeting. Really, he is making sure I am not going out, but the fact that he is using the word adoption is important. I always tell him no, I am staying home, because that is what he is saying he needs to hear.

But Avi, being the unusually articulate child that he is, has also said a lot more. In the car the other day Khai brought up the subject. We were having a light conversation about his new baby brother or sister when Avi chimed in and said, "I don't want another baby to come." I asked him why and he said, "Because I'm the baby." Sweet, articulate, oddly self-aware Avi! This kid always surprises us with the things he says!

Two

My incredibly sweet and wonderful sister-in-law (Nghia's sister) read my first post and told me that it was interesting to read about my long-held desire to adopt because it helped her to better understand why a couple who hadn't struggled with infertility would consider adoption.

At our first adoption meeting there were at least 8 other couples in the room, all of us in the early phase of this process. It soon became quite clear that Nghia and I were the only couple that were not there because of infertility. We were the only ones with biological children at home, and I couldn't help but feel that I was keeping a secret.  I was grateful that we didn't have to go around the room and introduce ourselves, but at later meetings we will have to do that and I am so conscious of wanting to be sensitive to everyone in the room. Nghia says that when it is our turn to talk in front of the group we will be honest but we won't dwell on it. We have had very close friends and family members struggle with infertility, so while we haven't gone through it personally, we know as well as we can that it is tremendously painful. We want to make clear that we are extremely grateful for our good luck and we don't for one second take it for granted.

Along with the initial application, Nghia and I also need to fill out a Questionnaire for Trans-Racial Adoptions. This is because we are choosing to adopt a baby that is a different race than either of us. This choice is another one of those things that, at the end of the day, just can't be put into words. It's a feeling. It feels right. It's how we both can picture our family. And it's in line with our social values to choose from the category that the agency says has an "urgent need" for adoptive parents. But that reason is secondary. The first and foremost reason we are choosing to adopt an African American baby is because of that unexplainable feeling that is telling us to adopt in the first place.

The decision to adopt and the decision to adopt an African-American baby are so tremendous and it's beyond amazing to me that these are the subjects Nghia and I were immediately in agreement on. It's almost like we didn't even need to talk about it, we just knew. Later on we will have to make very specific decisions that I know we will need to talk about more in-depth, like if we're comfortable with the birthmother smoking cigarettes during pregnancy, drinking, doing drugs, etc. We have to decide if we would choose a baby whose birthfather is incarcerated or if there is a family history of mental illness. Right now I don't know how I will answer any of these questions. I know there are a LOT of stereotypes out there about birthmothers and that the vast majority of them are just young and poor, not drug addicts with criminal histories. But still we will have to think about these questions and decide what we are comfortable with, just in case. Nghia thinks I'm going to be open to more than he is, but I'm not so sure. The social worker says that if we are unsure, we need to answer no. This is a life-long commitment, this is our baby, and we need to be 100% comfortable with what we are choosing. If we are 99% sure, the answer should still be no. I thought this was good advice.

The Start...

Earlier this week Nghia and I attended our first adoption meeting, Introduction to Domestic Adoption. We listened to a social worker carefully outline the long process we will need to go through in order to adopt our baby. We received a folder packed with information, as well as our initial application.
When we walked back to our car after the meeting, I felt like we had officially begun this exciting process. But the truth is, our journey began a long time ago...

I have always wanted to adopt a baby. Many years before Nghia and I met in 2004, I always knew it was something I was meant to do. I hoped I would be lucky enough to have biological children as well (I wanted to experience a pregnancy.), but I knew that no matter what, I would adopt a child. There was a feeling deep inside of me, a voice that I could clearly hear, that told me that at least one of my children would not grow inside of me. I can't explain this feeling, but I can say that it has always been strong and my desire to adopt a baby is something I have always talked about very openly and honestly.

I consider it a small miracle that I married a man who has the same feeling. Perhaps Nghia didn't spend years thinking about adoption, but when I first began telling him about my profound desire to one day do it, he was immediately open to the idea. I don't think I will ever be able to adequately express how grateful I am for this, that my partner is so willing and excited to do something so many people feel reluctant to consider. Nghia doesn't believe in God or that everything happens for a reason, but I do, and I believe with every ounce of myself that he and I were meant to be together. Our amazing biological children, Khai and Avi, are meant to be with us, and there is a baby whose spirit is somewhere out there right now, who is meant to be a part of our family. That baby will complete our family, he or she will be our third child, and Khai and Avi's sibling. When the time is right, that baby will begin to grow inside of a woman we don't yet know, but we will always be connected to in the deepest possible way. This woman, whomever she may be, is already one of the strongest women I will ever know. She is the real hero in this, the person solely responsible for completing our family. The gratitude I already feel towards her cannot possibly be adequately described.

The day after the meeting I began working on our initial application. When this is completed, we will mail it to the agency and a social worker will be assigned to our case. Shortly after that we will meet with her and she will help us navigate the next steps in this process. Our next meeting after that, an all day education course, will take place in November. After that we will have several more classes, several more meetings, many more forms to fill out and essays to write... If we stay on top of it (and of course we will) we will be done in February. And that's when the real waiting will begin...

Khai and Avi