Friday, October 25, 2013

Twelve

I've mentioned Khai's new best friend at school and I called him Alex, which is not actually his name. Now I want to change the name because Nghia's brother's name is Alex and I'm not sure why I chose it for the friend's alias, other than the fact that it's a name I really, really like. Anyway, now Khai's best friend is named Simon.

Khai and Simon have become quite close this year. They argue and fight, but they also have a blast and really like spending all their time together at school. The other day in the car I asked Khai if he knew that Simon is adopted. Khai said, "Yes, I knew that and I also know what a birthmom is." I was happy to hear this because it told me that Khai and Simon have obviously talked about Simon's being adopted. Khai has never heard the word birthmom from me.  I asked Khai to tell me what a birthmom is and it turned out he didn't actually know, but he knew the word because he heard Simon talking about it. I explained to Khai what a birthmom is and to give an example he's extremely familiar with I said, "Like your cousins. They didn't grow in Aunt Daph's belly so Aunt Daph isn't their birthmom." Khai was indignant, "But Aunt Daph is their mom!" And I said yes, Aunt Daph is certainly their mom. A birthmom is different from a mom. Khai sort of said it perfectly.

I then asked Khai if he thinks Simon and his mom look alike. (Simon is black and his mom is white.) I'm trying to find opportunities to talk about race and how our baby is going to be a different race from any of us, but I want these conversations to be somewhat organic and led by Khai. I can ask him probing questions and hope he'll go in the direction I'm hoping for so we can have a discussion about it, but if he doesn't then I can't micromanage the conversation. (Well, of course I could, but the content of the conversation would be far less meaningful to Khai. It's better to create circumstances in which he can draw his own conclusions.) In the teaching world we say that you can show a child where to look, but you shouldn't tell her what to see.

So anyway, I asked Khai if he thinks Simon and his mom look alike, hoping we could start a nice conversation about how sometimes children are a different race from their parents. Khai immediately said no, Simon and him mom definitely don't look alike. I got excited about the direction it seemed like the conversation was going to take, but I forced myself to remain casual as I asked him what's different.  Khai said, "Simon has short hair and his mom has long hair." I tried not to laugh as I agreed that yes, that certainly is a difference between them. I waited for a few minutes, in an attempt to give Khai space to extend his thinking, trying so hard not to lead him to the place where I wanted him to go. After a minute or so of silence I asked, " Are there any other differences between Simon and his mom." And Khai said, "Yes, today they were wearing different shirts."

The thing is, of course Khai sees that Simon and his mom are different races. Research about racial identity tells us that children become aware of racial differences shortly after they become aware of gender differences, which happens at a very young age, usually around 2.5 years.  So Khai knows that Simon has dark skin and his mom has light skin, but that's not the most salient difference between them, in Khai's mind. The fact that the length of their hair is different is far more interesting to talk about.





1 comment:

victoriousjudge said...

Sam, I loved reading this. How lovely it will be for your new baby to someday have these pregnant adoption stories to read. Have I already told you the story of Nico and the two Miss Terry s? Let me know if I haven't. [Would be sort of awful to find I am repeating myself already. I see incipient dementia in all my affairs. Is that a sign of dementia?}