I was just telling my neighbor that these last 6 weeks have been the most stressful of the entire application process. We're at the point where the social workers are making sure that every last detail has been covered, which requires a lot of back and forth, getting lots of papers notarized, redoing forms that may have had a tiny error and now need to be completely done again, etc. Just when we think something is complete we get an email or phone call that more information is required. It's been a bit of an emotional roller coaster, extremely time-consuming, and sometimes frustrating. (For example, there was a very small mathematical error on one of our financial forms, so the entire thing had to be redone, including getting it notarized again.)
We had our home study a couple of weeks ago, which went really well. A social worker came to the house and asked us a million questions, talked with Khai and Avi (who did an amazing job. It's like they really understood the importance.), and then looked around our whole house, including the messy basement, which was embarrassing. But the social worker was extremely nice and friendly, and she is the person who will do our follow-up visits once the baby is placed with us. She will visit every few weeks for 6 months and once that is complete, we will go to court to finalize the adoption. So we still have a long road ahead.
We had our video session earlier this week where we had to talk about ourselves and our family. Birth moms will view these videos which will help them to make their decision. Khai and Avi had to be in the first part of the video and they did an amazing job with this as well, but the promise of a new toy immediately after we left the adoption agency was probably the main reason why. My very smart friend, Nica, told me that this isn't bribery because the deal has been made ahead of time. This information made me feel better about myself as a parent in a major way.
At this point all we're waiting for is for our profile to be accepted, which should happen in the next week or so. Then we're finally, finally, finally done with the application process. From start to finish it has taken almost 8 months. It has been hard in some places, easy in others. I'm not really sure what to expect with the next stage of all this, but I do know we will look back on this time and think of it as easy. I think the true hard part is coming up.
I also think the next part of this journey is the part we will need to be more private about. It's been so amazing to write about the application process and to get comments and messages from so many people in our lives. The level of support we have felt has been astounding to us and we will never be able to adequately express our gratitude. But during this next part we could hit some bumps and disappointments and I have a feeling that we will only want to talk about it with our friends privately. So I think this is going to be my last blog post until the baby arrives. If you're the kind of person who prays, we would love your prayers for a healthy baby, a short wait time, and a smooth transition for all of us.
So let me say for now, thank you so much for reading this silly blog. Thank you for your support, for your encouragement, and for your empathy. Nghia and I are so grateful for the amazing people in our lives. All of you. Thank you and we love you.
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Seventeen
Our New Jersey background check came back today FINALLY!!!!!!! It took about a month longer than it was supposed to, but at least it's done! (I've been thinking about this so much I even had a dream about it last night.) Now we have our home study, we hand in our profile, and we are on the books!!!
Very happy right now!!!
Very happy right now!!!
Friday, February 14, 2014
Sixteen
I haven't posted an update here in a while, mostly because we're in another one of those long waiting periods. At our last meeting, about a month ago, we handed in our massive folder of paperwork. Among those papers were the background checks we needed to send in to every state in which we have lived. How that works is we fill out a piece of paper answering about a million questions. We send that paper to some huge office in that state. Officials at that huge office run a background check to make sure our records are clear. They then sign another piece of paper saying we're good and send it back to the adoption agency. Once all of the background checks are sent back to the agency, the next step would be to schedule our homestudy. That was supposed to take place at the end of last month. Then we'd have one more meeting to record our family video and then we'd officially be "on the books." (That means our file is complete and is being given to birth moms to read.)
Surely it is obvious that things haven't exactly gone according to plan. Perhaps because of the snow, or perhaps just due to governmental bureaucracy, our background checks from New Jersey haven't been returned to the agency yet. The checks from all the other states in which we have lived have come back, but we are still waiting on New Jersey, as are all of the other adoptive parents in our group. We can't have our homestudy until the paperwork is complete, and until that check comes back our paperwork is considered incomplete.
About a week ago I called the adoption agency just to check in about all of this and our social worker told me that it is likely that our final date will be pushed back a bit. I figured this meant it would be pushed back by a week or two, which is frustrating, but not really that big of a deal.
Today I got a letter in the mail informing us that our final date has been pushed back until the end of March! So this is obviously disappointing. From the start of this process I've had the month of February in my mind as the month when we are officially done, when we can sit back and just wait for the phone to ring. Of course I am aware that we could likely be waiting for a long time, but at least our part would have been complete. I am really having to shift gears to now think of March as the final date. It's the middle of February now and to think that we have another month and a half left of the application process is discouraging. Until I got that letter today I really thought we only had a couple of weeks left. But there it is and there's nothing we can do to speed the process up.
So now we wait for the New Jersey paperwork to come back. (Stupid New Jersey!) Then we'll have our homestudy. Then we'll record our video at the end of March and THEN we'll sit back and wait.
[Insert disparaging joke about the Garden State here.]
Surely it is obvious that things haven't exactly gone according to plan. Perhaps because of the snow, or perhaps just due to governmental bureaucracy, our background checks from New Jersey haven't been returned to the agency yet. The checks from all the other states in which we have lived have come back, but we are still waiting on New Jersey, as are all of the other adoptive parents in our group. We can't have our homestudy until the paperwork is complete, and until that check comes back our paperwork is considered incomplete.
About a week ago I called the adoption agency just to check in about all of this and our social worker told me that it is likely that our final date will be pushed back a bit. I figured this meant it would be pushed back by a week or two, which is frustrating, but not really that big of a deal.
Today I got a letter in the mail informing us that our final date has been pushed back until the end of March! So this is obviously disappointing. From the start of this process I've had the month of February in my mind as the month when we are officially done, when we can sit back and just wait for the phone to ring. Of course I am aware that we could likely be waiting for a long time, but at least our part would have been complete. I am really having to shift gears to now think of March as the final date. It's the middle of February now and to think that we have another month and a half left of the application process is discouraging. Until I got that letter today I really thought we only had a couple of weeks left. But there it is and there's nothing we can do to speed the process up.
So now we wait for the New Jersey paperwork to come back. (Stupid New Jersey!) Then we'll have our homestudy. Then we'll record our video at the end of March and THEN we'll sit back and wait.
[Insert disparaging joke about the Garden State here.]
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Fifteen
My winter break goal was to complete my entire folder of paperwork. Here are the forms that needed to be filled out and signed by both of us:
Home Study Evaluation Agreement
Notification of Placement of Child in Home
Discipline Policy
HIV Policy
Guardianship
Medical Living Expense Non-Reimbursement Acknowledgment NJ
Financial Form with supporting documents (like our mortgage statement, etc.)
Here are the forms that required going places in order to get them completed:
Medical Examination Form
Pediatric Report
Local Police Clearance
Employment Verification Letters
NJ State Criminal Fingerprint Clearance
FBI Criminal Fingerprint Clearance
NJ State Child Abuse Clearance
Out of State Child Abuse Clearance (for every state lived in since age 18, which for me is 4 different states and for Nghia is 3.)
And here are the documents we had to make copies of:
Driver's License
Health Insurance Cards
Birth Certificates (Although Nghia doesn't have one because he wasn't born in this country, so he has Proof of Citizenship.)
Marriage License
Social Security Cards
IRS Forms (W-2 and first page of 1040)
In addition to all of this, we both had to fill out 20 pages of questions for our autobiographies. It took me 5 hours to complete mine.
It is with situations like this that my uptight, anxious nature really works for me. It feels so good to know that nearly everything on this list is complete. I still have to get my Medical Examination Form filled out, but the appointment is scheduled. The earliest my Dr. could get me in is next week. Other than that, everything is done! Well, everything at this stage of the process. There's still more...
In 2 weeks we will have our second Home Study meeting. Sometime this month we will have our actual Home Study, where a social worker will come to our house to make observations. In February we will have 2 more meetings and THEN WE WILL BE DONE!!!
(Of course, everyone who has gone through this before tells me that the waiting is the hardest part. I can't even imagine what waiting for a year would feel like, and it's a very real possibility. So I guess I shouldn't get too excited yet.)
Home Study Evaluation Agreement
Notification of Placement of Child in Home
Discipline Policy
HIV Policy
Guardianship
Medical Living Expense Non-Reimbursement Acknowledgment NJ
Financial Form with supporting documents (like our mortgage statement, etc.)
Here are the forms that required going places in order to get them completed:
Medical Examination Form
Pediatric Report
Local Police Clearance
Employment Verification Letters
NJ State Criminal Fingerprint Clearance
FBI Criminal Fingerprint Clearance
NJ State Child Abuse Clearance
Out of State Child Abuse Clearance (for every state lived in since age 18, which for me is 4 different states and for Nghia is 3.)
And here are the documents we had to make copies of:
Driver's License
Health Insurance Cards
Birth Certificates (Although Nghia doesn't have one because he wasn't born in this country, so he has Proof of Citizenship.)
Marriage License
Social Security Cards
IRS Forms (W-2 and first page of 1040)
In addition to all of this, we both had to fill out 20 pages of questions for our autobiographies. It took me 5 hours to complete mine.
It is with situations like this that my uptight, anxious nature really works for me. It feels so good to know that nearly everything on this list is complete. I still have to get my Medical Examination Form filled out, but the appointment is scheduled. The earliest my Dr. could get me in is next week. Other than that, everything is done! Well, everything at this stage of the process. There's still more...
In 2 weeks we will have our second Home Study meeting. Sometime this month we will have our actual Home Study, where a social worker will come to our house to make observations. In February we will have 2 more meetings and THEN WE WILL BE DONE!!!
(Of course, everyone who has gone through this before tells me that the waiting is the hardest part. I can't even imagine what waiting for a year would feel like, and it's a very real possibility. So I guess I shouldn't get too excited yet.)
Friday, December 20, 2013
Fourteen
Yesterday Nghia and I attended yet another adoption meeting. This one was called Home Study 1 and in about a month we will attend Home Study 2. Yesterday's meeting was essentially about getting us ready for our home study, which is when a social worker comes to our house to make sure we have smoke detectors, fire extinguishers, an extra bedroom, etc. We were given a HUGE folder of paperwork that we have a month to complete. We will spend the next several weeks filling out all the forms, making copies of our birth certificates and marriage license, going to the local police department to get background checks, filing background checks in every state we have lived since age 18, obtaining our medical reports and pediatrician reports for Khai and Avi, getting fingerprinted, writing 10 page biographies, and about a million and one other things that require lots of running around to state offices. I know we will get it all done, but it certainly feels like a huge amount of work right now. The timing is good though, as my winter break begins today. My goal is to get everything completed by the time I have to go back to work on January 2nd.
Yesterday we also received a packet of paper that is referred to as the "Key." This is the part where we have to decide exactly what lifestyle choices, medical conditions, and life circumstances of the birth parents we are comfortable with. There are so many things we have to make decisions about. For example:
Birth mom smoked pot during pregnancy, birth mom drank alcohol during pregnancy, birth mom smoked crack during pregnancy (this goes on for every drug), birth mom has depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, etc, birth father has a mental illness, either birth parent is HIV positive or has Hepatitis, birth father is incarcerated for a non-violent crime, birth father is incarcerated for a violent crime, the baby was conceived through rape, etc. (They even distinguish between acquaintance rape and stranger rape.)
This is a very small sample of the kinds of things we will need to decide upon. The Key is almost 3 pages long and will probably require the most thought on our part. We will speak with at least 3 pediatricians to gather as much information as we can about the effects of different substances on the developing fetus. And we have to think about the long-term impact some of these circumstances could potentially have on our family because this will be an open adoption. We are going to have some level of contact with our child's birth family and we need to think about how all of these issues might later impact our child. For example, we might be comfortable with the birth mom smoking crack during pregnancy, but we wouldn't be comfortable with our child spending time with someone who is high on crack. (For the record, we are are not comfortable with exposure to crack in utero. I was just using this as an example to illustrate how we need to think about the short and long-term in order to make these decisions.)
We have been strongly advised to keep all of these decisions private. Ultimately, this will be our child's story to tell, not ours. It would not be fair to the child for others to know such personal information about their background. Also, we think about the fact that people have such stereotypes about adopted children and often hold such negative views about their futures. Let's say we decided we were comfortable with the birth mother smoking pot during pregnancy. Then 7 years later our child has some learning challenges. I would hate for people to think, "It's because the birth mom smoked pot." And people would think that. I was recently talking with a friend, someone who is smart and educated, about a child we know who is facing some behavioral challenges. I mentioned that this child is adopted and my friend immediately said, "Oh, that explains it!" It's offensive and ignorant, and it's extremely common.
So as far as our Key is concerned, we will only say publicly that we want a healthy baby and we are doing ridiculous amounts of research before making any decisions. We want to be conservative, yet open minded.
So we continue to move forward. I wonder if this will be our last holiday season as a family of 4.
Yesterday we also received a packet of paper that is referred to as the "Key." This is the part where we have to decide exactly what lifestyle choices, medical conditions, and life circumstances of the birth parents we are comfortable with. There are so many things we have to make decisions about. For example:
Birth mom smoked pot during pregnancy, birth mom drank alcohol during pregnancy, birth mom smoked crack during pregnancy (this goes on for every drug), birth mom has depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, etc, birth father has a mental illness, either birth parent is HIV positive or has Hepatitis, birth father is incarcerated for a non-violent crime, birth father is incarcerated for a violent crime, the baby was conceived through rape, etc. (They even distinguish between acquaintance rape and stranger rape.)
This is a very small sample of the kinds of things we will need to decide upon. The Key is almost 3 pages long and will probably require the most thought on our part. We will speak with at least 3 pediatricians to gather as much information as we can about the effects of different substances on the developing fetus. And we have to think about the long-term impact some of these circumstances could potentially have on our family because this will be an open adoption. We are going to have some level of contact with our child's birth family and we need to think about how all of these issues might later impact our child. For example, we might be comfortable with the birth mom smoking crack during pregnancy, but we wouldn't be comfortable with our child spending time with someone who is high on crack. (For the record, we are are not comfortable with exposure to crack in utero. I was just using this as an example to illustrate how we need to think about the short and long-term in order to make these decisions.)
We have been strongly advised to keep all of these decisions private. Ultimately, this will be our child's story to tell, not ours. It would not be fair to the child for others to know such personal information about their background. Also, we think about the fact that people have such stereotypes about adopted children and often hold such negative views about their futures. Let's say we decided we were comfortable with the birth mother smoking pot during pregnancy. Then 7 years later our child has some learning challenges. I would hate for people to think, "It's because the birth mom smoked pot." And people would think that. I was recently talking with a friend, someone who is smart and educated, about a child we know who is facing some behavioral challenges. I mentioned that this child is adopted and my friend immediately said, "Oh, that explains it!" It's offensive and ignorant, and it's extremely common.
So as far as our Key is concerned, we will only say publicly that we want a healthy baby and we are doing ridiculous amounts of research before making any decisions. We want to be conservative, yet open minded.
So we continue to move forward. I wonder if this will be our last holiday season as a family of 4.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Thirteen
Today Nghia and I went to an all day adoption education course. We spent the day with 4 other couples learning all of the complicated ins and outs of the adoption process, myths surrounding adopted children and birth mothers, specific state laws we may have to contend with, and important things to keep in mind when adopting outside of one's race. It was an informative day and it feels so good to have it behind us. This is one more thing we can check off the list. The next step is our homestudy meeting, which will be in about a month. We're slowly getting closer to our last step, which will take place in February. Then we will just be waiting for the phone to ring telling us we have been matched.
The other couples in the group were so nice and we all hit it off immediately. The social worker leading the meeting told us that these classes aren't usually so energetic and talkative. We all just really got along and had similar senses of humor, so we laughed a lot today. I am excited about this because we are going to go through the rest of this process with this group. We will go to all of the remaining meetings together and maybe we'll even keep in touch after our babies arrive.
From the beginning I was concerned about this meeting because I knew it would be the first time we'd meet the other adoptive families in our group, and I had a feeling that we'd be the only couple who hadn't struggled with infertility. I figured that Nghia and I could just be secretive about it in order to be sensitive and that would be the end of it. And that would have all been fine today had I not liked the others in the group so much. Throughout the day there was a lot of talk about infertility, loss, and grief surrounding the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term. This talk was presented to the entire group and it made me feel like such an imposter, like we were being deceitful to these people that both of us liked so much. One couple talked very openly about how hard the road has been for them, how much they went through before they decided to pursue adoption. Everyone in the room nodded sympathetically and I just felt so conflicted.
Throughout the day I was so aware of how conscious I was of not talking about Khai and Avi. Over and over I felt myself starting to tell a story that involved them. One guy said that since he took the day off work he was able to sleep in a bit before the meeting. I was about to joke about how impossible it is to sleep in when you have young kids, but I caught myself. Another time a woman asked when our next meeting is and after I told her, I wanted to make a joke about how I had to schedule babysitters so far in advance, but I caught myself again. You don't realize how much you talk about your kids until you are actively trying not to.
When we took a break for lunch Nghia and I walked out to our car and suddenly felt self-conscious about the two carseats in the back. I joked that we should cover them with a blanket so our new best friends in the group wouldn't see. We talked at length about how bad we felt, like we were lying, and how it wouldn't matter at all if we were never going to see these people again, if we didn't actually want to keep in touch with them. But we do and I'm worried that once they find out we have kids and we didn't say it right away, they won't like us anymore. Maybe they'll feel like we lied. Nghia said we should talk to the social worker, Grace, about it and get her advice.
So when we adjourned for the day Nghia and I casually stuck around until everyone else had left. We told Grace the whole story and that we feel deceitful and secretive in a way we hadn't anticipated because we didn't know we'd like these people so much. Grace was so understanding and nice, and she also apologized for not phrasing her language more appropriately. (For example, instead of saying, "You all went through a lot of loss before coming here," she could have said, "Some of you may have experienced loss...") Grace said that at our next meeting we're going to delve more deeply into our personal lives and our reasons for adopting, so the cat will be out of the bag then. She told us not to worry, that it won't seem weird that we didn't mention it today and it might even be better to save it for the next meeting. I trust her and her judgment, so I'm no longer worried.
Mostly, I'm glad this meeting is done! There's still a lot more to do, but I really feel like we're getting there. I had moments today where I was somewhat astonished that we're actually doing this. After all these years of thinking about it and talking about it, I sometimes find it hard to believe that the time is really here.
The other couples in the group were so nice and we all hit it off immediately. The social worker leading the meeting told us that these classes aren't usually so energetic and talkative. We all just really got along and had similar senses of humor, so we laughed a lot today. I am excited about this because we are going to go through the rest of this process with this group. We will go to all of the remaining meetings together and maybe we'll even keep in touch after our babies arrive.
From the beginning I was concerned about this meeting because I knew it would be the first time we'd meet the other adoptive families in our group, and I had a feeling that we'd be the only couple who hadn't struggled with infertility. I figured that Nghia and I could just be secretive about it in order to be sensitive and that would be the end of it. And that would have all been fine today had I not liked the others in the group so much. Throughout the day there was a lot of talk about infertility, loss, and grief surrounding the inability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term. This talk was presented to the entire group and it made me feel like such an imposter, like we were being deceitful to these people that both of us liked so much. One couple talked very openly about how hard the road has been for them, how much they went through before they decided to pursue adoption. Everyone in the room nodded sympathetically and I just felt so conflicted.
Throughout the day I was so aware of how conscious I was of not talking about Khai and Avi. Over and over I felt myself starting to tell a story that involved them. One guy said that since he took the day off work he was able to sleep in a bit before the meeting. I was about to joke about how impossible it is to sleep in when you have young kids, but I caught myself. Another time a woman asked when our next meeting is and after I told her, I wanted to make a joke about how I had to schedule babysitters so far in advance, but I caught myself again. You don't realize how much you talk about your kids until you are actively trying not to.
When we took a break for lunch Nghia and I walked out to our car and suddenly felt self-conscious about the two carseats in the back. I joked that we should cover them with a blanket so our new best friends in the group wouldn't see. We talked at length about how bad we felt, like we were lying, and how it wouldn't matter at all if we were never going to see these people again, if we didn't actually want to keep in touch with them. But we do and I'm worried that once they find out we have kids and we didn't say it right away, they won't like us anymore. Maybe they'll feel like we lied. Nghia said we should talk to the social worker, Grace, about it and get her advice.
So when we adjourned for the day Nghia and I casually stuck around until everyone else had left. We told Grace the whole story and that we feel deceitful and secretive in a way we hadn't anticipated because we didn't know we'd like these people so much. Grace was so understanding and nice, and she also apologized for not phrasing her language more appropriately. (For example, instead of saying, "You all went through a lot of loss before coming here," she could have said, "Some of you may have experienced loss...") Grace said that at our next meeting we're going to delve more deeply into our personal lives and our reasons for adopting, so the cat will be out of the bag then. She told us not to worry, that it won't seem weird that we didn't mention it today and it might even be better to save it for the next meeting. I trust her and her judgment, so I'm no longer worried.
Mostly, I'm glad this meeting is done! There's still a lot more to do, but I really feel like we're getting there. I had moments today where I was somewhat astonished that we're actually doing this. After all these years of thinking about it and talking about it, I sometimes find it hard to believe that the time is really here.
Friday, October 25, 2013
Twelve
I've mentioned Khai's new best friend at school and I called him Alex, which is not actually his name. Now I want to change the name because Nghia's brother's name is Alex and I'm not sure why I chose it for the friend's alias, other than the fact that it's a name I really, really like. Anyway, now Khai's best friend is named Simon.
Khai and Simon have become quite close this year. They argue and fight, but they also have a blast and really like spending all their time together at school. The other day in the car I asked Khai if he knew that Simon is adopted. Khai said, "Yes, I knew that and I also know what a birthmom is." I was happy to hear this because it told me that Khai and Simon have obviously talked about Simon's being adopted. Khai has never heard the word birthmom from me. I asked Khai to tell me what a birthmom is and it turned out he didn't actually know, but he knew the word because he heard Simon talking about it. I explained to Khai what a birthmom is and to give an example he's extremely familiar with I said, "Like your cousins. They didn't grow in Aunt Daph's belly so Aunt Daph isn't their birthmom." Khai was indignant, "But Aunt Daph is their mom!" And I said yes, Aunt Daph is certainly their mom. A birthmom is different from a mom. Khai sort of said it perfectly.
I then asked Khai if he thinks Simon and his mom look alike. (Simon is black and his mom is white.) I'm trying to find opportunities to talk about race and how our baby is going to be a different race from any of us, but I want these conversations to be somewhat organic and led by Khai. I can ask him probing questions and hope he'll go in the direction I'm hoping for so we can have a discussion about it, but if he doesn't then I can't micromanage the conversation. (Well, of course I could, but the content of the conversation would be far less meaningful to Khai. It's better to create circumstances in which he can draw his own conclusions.) In the teaching world we say that you can show a child where to look, but you shouldn't tell her what to see.
So anyway, I asked Khai if he thinks Simon and his mom look alike, hoping we could start a nice conversation about how sometimes children are a different race from their parents. Khai immediately said no, Simon and him mom definitely don't look alike. I got excited about the direction it seemed like the conversation was going to take, but I forced myself to remain casual as I asked him what's different. Khai said, "Simon has short hair and his mom has long hair." I tried not to laugh as I agreed that yes, that certainly is a difference between them. I waited for a few minutes, in an attempt to give Khai space to extend his thinking, trying so hard not to lead him to the place where I wanted him to go. After a minute or so of silence I asked, " Are there any other differences between Simon and his mom." And Khai said, "Yes, today they were wearing different shirts."
The thing is, of course Khai sees that Simon and his mom are different races. Research about racial identity tells us that children become aware of racial differences shortly after they become aware of gender differences, which happens at a very young age, usually around 2.5 years. So Khai knows that Simon has dark skin and his mom has light skin, but that's not the most salient difference between them, in Khai's mind. The fact that the length of their hair is different is far more interesting to talk about.
Khai and Simon have become quite close this year. They argue and fight, but they also have a blast and really like spending all their time together at school. The other day in the car I asked Khai if he knew that Simon is adopted. Khai said, "Yes, I knew that and I also know what a birthmom is." I was happy to hear this because it told me that Khai and Simon have obviously talked about Simon's being adopted. Khai has never heard the word birthmom from me. I asked Khai to tell me what a birthmom is and it turned out he didn't actually know, but he knew the word because he heard Simon talking about it. I explained to Khai what a birthmom is and to give an example he's extremely familiar with I said, "Like your cousins. They didn't grow in Aunt Daph's belly so Aunt Daph isn't their birthmom." Khai was indignant, "But Aunt Daph is their mom!" And I said yes, Aunt Daph is certainly their mom. A birthmom is different from a mom. Khai sort of said it perfectly.
I then asked Khai if he thinks Simon and his mom look alike. (Simon is black and his mom is white.) I'm trying to find opportunities to talk about race and how our baby is going to be a different race from any of us, but I want these conversations to be somewhat organic and led by Khai. I can ask him probing questions and hope he'll go in the direction I'm hoping for so we can have a discussion about it, but if he doesn't then I can't micromanage the conversation. (Well, of course I could, but the content of the conversation would be far less meaningful to Khai. It's better to create circumstances in which he can draw his own conclusions.) In the teaching world we say that you can show a child where to look, but you shouldn't tell her what to see.
So anyway, I asked Khai if he thinks Simon and his mom look alike, hoping we could start a nice conversation about how sometimes children are a different race from their parents. Khai immediately said no, Simon and him mom definitely don't look alike. I got excited about the direction it seemed like the conversation was going to take, but I forced myself to remain casual as I asked him what's different. Khai said, "Simon has short hair and his mom has long hair." I tried not to laugh as I agreed that yes, that certainly is a difference between them. I waited for a few minutes, in an attempt to give Khai space to extend his thinking, trying so hard not to lead him to the place where I wanted him to go. After a minute or so of silence I asked, " Are there any other differences between Simon and his mom." And Khai said, "Yes, today they were wearing different shirts."
The thing is, of course Khai sees that Simon and his mom are different races. Research about racial identity tells us that children become aware of racial differences shortly after they become aware of gender differences, which happens at a very young age, usually around 2.5 years. So Khai knows that Simon has dark skin and his mom has light skin, but that's not the most salient difference between them, in Khai's mind. The fact that the length of their hair is different is far more interesting to talk about.
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